janis is back

i hate holidays. sure, having the time off school is great, but its lonely and boring. most people have gone away to spend time with their families or got into the egg nog and are passed out somewhere with a creamy liquor beast in their belly. there's nothing to do now that classes are over and the gym is closed (gym closed!! PANIC!!) and i've started once again to wish that i had actual friends. that's the plural of "friend" and by "actual" i mean people that live in this state, preferably in the same area, who have similar interests, and that i know well enough that i could say with at least 99% confidence that they wouldn't try to kill me with a forklift. i'm sorry to sound like a damaged phonograph, but i really do miss my friends from high school. seems like back then it was easier to meet like-minded people and most of them didn't know how to operate a forklift. the point is: i'm tired of being alone. i don't want a one on one relationship either, i want friends. i want multiple persons i can talk to, spend time with, have fun with. and i'm trying to find these people, but its an awful lot harder than i remember it being, and i'm beginning to understand why i gave up after everyone moved away. i'm starting to wonder if maybe its true that if you have sims, you don't need friends. maybe i should just crawl back into my solitary lifestyle with my head hung in defeat and resign myself to being an island. i could even grow a coconut tree on my back- then i'd never truly be alone and i'd always have something to throw.

unitards for the masses

This past weekend, I went to San Marcos to visit some friends from high school. After the first day, I started feeling surprisingly bitchy. I kept telling myself its just PMS or something, ignore it and try to have a freaking good time, you cunt. The feeling persisted all weekend and through Monday and Tuesday and on into today, Wednesday, when I finally had an epiphany.

I realized that I have been holding onto this nearly subconscious (and extremely juvenile) belief that if I just wait here, in Killeen, then eventually all my friends will return to me and things will be as they once were. Seeing how everyone has changed and moved on forced me to face the fact that they are never coming back to this shithole. That really fucks with my head because the belief that everything will be okay if I just sit still and wait was one of my pillars of comfort. I leaned on that pillar when my first boyfriend broke up with me in 1999. the last thing he said before his hurried exit was a promise that he would come back. I think a part of me is still waiting for him to pull his old, blue truck into my driveway and reassure me that he wasn't just trying to use me for sex, that he actually valued me as a person, and show me how that could be possible even when all the evidence points to the contrary. Of course I know that that is an absurd thought- last I heard he was happily married and had 5 stepchildren.

The truth is, my friends are never coming back. When people told me that high school was the best time of my life, I laughed at them. Now I realize how right they were, and I see how much time I wasted. I try not to think too much about how great high school was compared to where I am now because if I look too closely at the things that were happening in my life at that point, and notice that I wasn't ever really that close to any of my friends, then I see how truly pathetic my whole existence has been. The lifting of the illusion is enough to cause projectile vomiting. And I regret not killing myself in 2001 when I had the chance. I could've "done something drastic" before I got weighed down with all this adult bullshit. I'm far too mature and responsible for that now.

I guess I am left with but one option: live. I'll build up other comforting pillars of smoke to rest against, I'll continue to lie to myself about how much better things will be just over the next hill, and I'll try to appear content and sane to lend comfort to those around me. That's what everyone else does, right?

On a happier note, I did have fun with my friends in San Marcos. I met new people (most of whom I liked, but even the ones I didn't like had entertainment value), I found out that drinking straight scotch helps me with my digestive problems, I got to go to Austin (yay Toy Joy!!). Also, I got to eat Marie-France's Best Potatoes EVAR. I think I may have to become a potato junkie and just show up at odd times of night and try to trade potatoes for money, sex, and stolen valuables. And I look forward to seeing them again, even if it means destroying some of my carefully constructed vapor crutches. After the weeping and vomiting, I can always build more.

corporate gumball mouse

our society is incapable of producing a decent human being. people betray and people are wrong. i know i'm not a decent human being. i like the idea that our race is like a plague of locusts that will overtake and destroy the planet, making it ready for new lifeforces. i also like the idea that our society is swiftly collapsing and when it does we will be forced to assume a hunter/gatherer lifestyle. something more in tune with mother nature or another fruity, nonsensical, personification. like gaia from captain planet, maybe. when that happens, we'll all have to embrace anarchy and only the strong will survive. i'll probably die early on, assuming this happens during my lifetime. i'll be glad for that, too, because i expect that mostly the assholes will survive and i'd rather not be a part of a society comprised entirely of illiterate apemen (and women). i'm already part of a community where they seem to be in the majority.

there's this song by the jazz butcher conspiracy about a guy who murders his girlfriend and buries her in an onion field becuase she's too good and pure for the world. sometimes i daydream about having a boyfriend who, like the character in the song, recognizes my purity and consequent incompatibility with the rest of society. i think i'd like him to drown me in tepid rosewater or something else tragicly romantic before desecrating and eviscerating my corpse. i wouldn't like to be buried in an onion field, though. i'd rather be weighted and thrown to the hagfish in the ocean, where my mass could be recycled as fuel for those slimy creatures and become a part of their ecosystem. of course none of this will ever happen because i'm not actually too pure or too good for this world and my perceived discordance with the rest of society is probably just a construct of my own imagination or a consequence of spending too many years in isolation.

i don't think humans are inherently evil, but i do believe that there is an inherent wrong in the human mind, something akin to original sin, that causes people to behave the way they do. this flaw makes me sad, but it is comforting to realize that i am not immune.

prefer a crunchy ambassador

i went to target today to get clothes. i do not like clothes shopping now. i really really do not. i used to like it back when i was cute and i had a nice ass and everything looked cute on me. between trying on things i could look at myslef in the mirror and say "why, you look mighty cute!" i never did, but it was at least a possibility. i bought $127 dollars worth of underwear. it was horrible. i didn't know my bra size so i had to try everything on. i tried some push up bras, but they made me feel like i was being pushed, you know, up. i didn't have anyone there to turn to and say "are my boobs too up in this?" i don't have any girl friends and you can't ask a guy that kind of question. i don't think boobs are ever too up for a guy and he'd have to be in drag to get into the changing room anyway. it was a traumatic experience and i need time to sulk. i have to go back out tomorrow to forage for a sweater. i may be scarred for life.

shoe of margarine (ammended)

i got drunk last night after being sober for a year. i am so veryvery sick right now. ugh....

i had to go lay down for a bit, but i'm gonna finish this dammit!

me and this guy got drunk at my house and we watched movies on vhs because i don't have a dvd player anymore. it was okay, though, because i was too drunk to really see what was on the tv anyways. i think i showed him all my science books (i am such a dork). one of them was off the shelf this morning and i have a vague recollection of looking at it. i have a lot of vague recollections. i'm pretty sure i had a good time, even though i'm really freaking sick right now. thanks guy for getting drunk with me.

sexy world economy

i went to the plagiarism festival in austin today. it was so so cool! there weren't a whole lot of people there and i liked that. me and walter just wandered around in the enchanted forest and looked at art that was lying about. there were a whole bunch of really giant spiders left over from the halloween party and we met a kid named Zap. Walter had his comic strips up. He cut up the sunday funnies and rearranged them into new and hilarious concoctions. does anyone remember "little man out to stand in the dinner"? that one was there. the other art was cool, too. melted plastic legs dangling from trees, dolls nailed to stuff, pirhana flowers, a really neat painting of a young homer simpson, and some rip offs of andy warhol. after we left the festival we went to walter and jean's apartment and watched a suckdog video. i liked the part about the mayonaise fist fucker, but lisa and that french guy kept getting naked and rolling in poo. that was really gross. i don't care for poo much at all. call me a prude if you like, but you will never find me rolling in poo for any reason, not even for sex. i think that's about the only thing i wouldn't even want to try (besides anal sex with a horse). me and walter and jean all went to eat at the kerbey lane cafe. i also wore my copyright infringement is you best entertainment value shirt that is so big its more like a tunic. and walter wore his urinal shirt. who was that guy who did the urinal? i forget. we talked about the fur-covered teacup, too. i love that thing.

back away slowly

i broke up with john. again. that's the third time now, i think. i did it 3 weeks ago, but i didn't want to say anything in case it didn't take. he kept reminding me of my mother. the things he'd say and do, and the way i was around him. i noticed that i would change the clothes i was wearing, the music in my car, the thoughts in my head, and hide various other aspects of myself before i went to see him. that was unsettling. i do things like that for my mother, but i shouldn't have to do that for my boyfriend. i shouldn't have to question whether he would accept me for who i am or not. he's been in rehab with the christian house of prayer for almost a year now and he's a much better person for it. he has a jobby and he's way less violent now. i tried the religious conversion thing. i tried it, i really really did try to be all christian. i went to church everyday, i prayed at least twice a day. i contacted god, i accepted jesus, the whole shebang. i'm not religious anymore. i wasn't happy there. i couldn't reconcile my experiences with christian beliefs, and the praying was really starting to freak me out. when you pray, you open up a channel of communication to another world. the ultimate goal is to contact god, but sometimes he's not the one waiting at the other end. its a delicate and dangerous process. in the end, i couldn't be a christian, it just isn't who i am. for awhile i thought i might be able to make things work with john, even if we didn't share the same beliefs. but i thought about what it would be like to go back to him, to marry him again- which is what i would have to do if i ever wanted to get laid again according to his religion- and i just couldn't do it. i couldn't imagine going back and having things be different. i couldn't imagine a life with john without the alcohol and all the horrible things. and just as soon as i broke up with him, he started drinking again. which leads me to believe that i was right- there is no life with john that doesn't include alcohol. i can imagine that he'd stay sober for awhile, but the first time we had a really serious argument he'd probably be back drinking. and then calling me up at 2 am, slurring about how much he misses me to make me feel guilty. i hope he's able to quit again and have a good life with some super conservative christian lady who can be a good wife to him, but it isn't me. he's the first person i've broken up with ever and i try not to think about it too much cause it usually sounds like "what the fuck have i done?" in my head. and then i have to do a ritual bloodletting, which is okay cause it feeds my leech minions.

little libertine

I read this:

I used to work the night shift at a factory over the summer (I'm 19), and this 30-year-old coworker managed to hook up on myspace at least a few times.

Apparently it's not that hard, as he wasn't a real catch or anything. He was fat, came into work stoned/drunk a lot, didn't pay child support... and let this vagrant chick stay at his apartment for a couple days and eventually fucked her with a large baking potato. So I guess if you want to try it, more power to ya. Those myspace chicks can't be all that choosy.

And then I made these:

 

Its my photo essay on MySpace romance.

under the parking garage

i believe i now understand the emotion that demands so much pain that a person could split their tongue without wincing. i realize that some people have a very high pain threshold at all times, but i am not like that. i have a high pain threshold, yes, but it increases ten fold whenever i feel as horrible as i do now. this is what i propose: i shall sever some artery and drain my blood into my bath tub. then i will immerse myself in this blood and  learn to absorb oxygen and nutrients, not internally from my blood vessels like you, but externally across my skin. maybe i will slowly evolve into a new creature- the first mutated human. we will just have to find out.

get your adverbs here

This is Schistosoma masoni, a blood fluke. Its an endoparasite that feeds on the blood vessels around the digestive and urinary tract. This is what I want to be when I grow up. You see how there's a big yellowish blob-worm with a little dark line inside it? That big blob is the male who is shaped like a hot dog bun. The dark line is the female who lives inside him. They copulate constantly. Constantly. They're joined for life, so basically they just live to fuck. I want to be one of these so I can live in a blood vessel near someone's bladder and have lots of sex (but no children- the eggs are shed in the host's urine and feces and then develop in snails. The snail is like the nanny I suppose), and never be alone or have to do anything responsible. Except I'd want to be the male. I am currently accepting applications for the part of Female or Host. Pay will be in either blood or pain, depending on position, the hours are constant and the duration is life.

reguritation minimalization

some more bad poetry:

Amber Stars in a Whale Sky

Its not fair to have been a sacrifice.
Tied me down
Burned me up.
What did I get from it?
Put the needles in me
Give me more pills
Jump rope
Until it snaps.
Throw me down
And look me over
One hellish joyride
After another.
Stop the stars
They are lodged in my brain
Dig them out with the eel spoon
Dig deeper
Make it bleed.

let's all suck batteries

its really boring in the gym and all that exercise causes discomfort and sweaty-ness, but i still keep going. why? well, i've compiled a list of things i do in the gym to make it more interesting.
1. try to make the wall change colors with my mind
2. attempt to have an out of body experience
3. shock myself on the metal part of the treadmill
4. mutter along with my music. (it isn't full singing, but i still get stares, especially during songs like Serrated Edge.. "me on a hilltop with 15 girls and a Nelson Riley orgy that'll make your hair curl. I don't piss, I don't shit, I'm gettin' no relief. People shake their heads in disbelief.")
5. try to see pictures in the spots on the wall. (i found a duck-headed lamb with wings who is either playing a flute or smoking a cigar.)
6. try to project the image of a girl having sex with a pony into other people's minds.
7. make up funny names for people i see on a regular basis (big guy with bad form, insane peppy man who is overly affectionate, mr. red shorts, etc...)
8. try to outlast the person on the machine next to me
9. try to outsweat the person on the machine next to me (i always win)
10. try to talk to my dead ancestors.
11. look into the eyes of my reflection and see if i can locate my own soul.
12. put my wrists together behind the bike seat and pretend they are tied there. it hurts, but its fun.

i guess you could say its the mindless idiocy that keeps me going back.

another reason to stay dehydrated

I want to lick my stapler, I want to scream until there are no screams left, I want to scream louder, I want to run faster, I want to sit in a deep dirt hole until I'm forgotten, I want to be buried alive, I want to eat a pair of pants and have intestinal difficulties, I want to stab myself in the neck with a fork, I want to see the sun rise and set in a single night, I want to hear a voice that didn't originate in me, I want to find my missing sock, I want to go to the mall and not feel like a freak, I want to go to a church and not feel like a slut, I want a pair of jeans that fits perfectly, I want my skin to spontaneously sprout needle points whenever a boy talks to me, I want to burn down all the hospitals, I want to eat pussy, I want to jump off a cliff and discover I can fly, I want to jump off a hospital and discover I can't fly, I want to hang from a high tree and sway gently in the wind, I want to rot in the sea and nourish the marine life, I want to put a live squirrel up my ass, I want to swallow a live octopus and not have intestinal difficulties, I want to be loved, I want to be noticed, I want to be ignored, I want to have sex with a dead body, I want to get high, I want to see another dimension, I want to leave my body and inhabit another, I want to cut deep until I hit bone, I want to bathe in blood, I want to remove all my toenails with an old pair of tweezers and a rusty knife, I want an infection,  I want to climb a tree, I want to read, I want to be young again, I want to give my enemies herpes, I want to ride in an elevator with a janitor and not want blow him, I want to shoot a dog in the head and then remove its brain through its nose, I want to assfuck a midget while I have dog brain under my nails, I want to see my baby grow up, I want to leave this country, I want to be in debt to someone deserving, I want to have a facial tic, I want to be famous, I want to be useless, I want to die, I want to hate, I want to go to school naked and have no one notice.
I just want to do something.

copyright infringement is your best entertainment value

i'm having a very bad day. my air conditioner broke for the 5th time and John won't stop harassing me. He has a car now so he's just been "dropping by" all weekend even though i told him several times to leave me alone cause i'm working on my term papers. He lives on the other side of town, about 30 minutes away. And when he isn't here bothering me, he's calling me incessantly! i think i have 20 missed calls from him from just this weekend- the weekend that i specifically requested he NOT call me during, yes, that one. i don't know what his problem is.  Maybe he's trying to see if he can push me over the edge like that time i left to go to the library and ended up in amarillo with a trucker. (a nice trucker, not a sleazy one. and i saw snow so it wasn't all bad). And why is it so effing hot in here?!! (i'm unleashing a string of explitives. use your imagination, its probably far better than mine.) so in summary, i still have 2 term papers to write and 3 tests to study for and a psycho-stalker ex who won't leave me alone, but that doesn't matter because the freakish heat will kill me before midterms. (more explitives)

me and my energy

i'm not happy. i am very unhappy. my air conditioner broke today and its really really hot outside. why is it hot in october? why? WHY??!!!! my house works like a little greenhouse and traps the heat inside. so now its 95 degrees in here and much cooler outside even though i have all manner of fans on and every window open. it got up to 98 degrees in here this afternoon but then i abandoned ship and went next door. i want to sleep tonight and that doesn't look like its gonna happen. i can't sleep in the heat. i just get all sad and sticky. I need to move to canada right now, or at least go northward. I had a weird little moment of confusion today in the heat. I thought for a minute that i was back in high school and i was like "screw the homework, i'm going to desi's house!" but alas, desi doesn't live here anymore and screwing the homework is no longer an option.
 homework=life.

lighting, music, laundry

Brak -- [noun]: A hard-core grave robber 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I haven't been making it to the gym as much as I would like, so Saturday night I got real desperate and decided that I would see if I can run. I pulled a tendon in my hip right away and then found out that not only can I not run, but I'm also afraid of the dark. It was really dark and I kept thinking someone was chasing me (which goes back to my paranoia..). Then I decided that I would stay in the comforting glow of my porch light and do Step on my front stairs. That didn't work cause the rail got hungry for Brak knee. ow. Then I tried to jump rope and it was ok except that I'm not very good at it. So midnight aerobics in my front yard ends in blood and tears. Its a good thing to know.

maryland: the origin of all females

I just saw a texas spotted whiptail lizard! yay! It was pretty and moved real fast and i get a grade for seeing it. That's an added bonus. I was hiding under my desk for the past 10 minutes or so. I just got this feeling like my position in the desk chair was far too exposed. I could feel the eyes of a million invisible persons crawling on my skin. So I had to hide. But now I've come back out and turned off the light. I think that's normal to get sudden, inexplicable urges to hide. Or maybe I'm just really paranoid..? Nothing is happening today. I woke up and dressed like a naughty schoolgirl then I changed into sensible clothes and stood over an air vent for awhile. It didn't get cold last night, it stayed hot so today is extra hot when compared with yesterday. That's why I was standing over the air vent; I was hot, not having some fantasy that I was a certain famous person. I wanted to go to the gym but someone had their laundry in the washer on my laundry day. grrr. i had to wait and now i'm waiting for my gym clothes to be clean so i can go make them smell like death itself. Hayley's at a doctor's appointment. I didn't get to go. Probably because my mom was afraid I'd try to set the doctor on fire. Teehee, no, its cause I was doing homework and looking all studious. I got a 100 on my first test in trig. I was all scared and I thought everyone else in my class was way smarter than me, but i heard them talking about their grades and I heard numbers like 35, 67, and 80 being thrown around. Now I feel better. Possibly some of them are smarter than me, but at least I'm not the dumbest one. I haven't really had any interesting thoughts. I think maybe parts of my brain are shutting down from dissuse. *shrug* whatever, i'm a ball of apathy.

super avoidy

I'm really really scared! I signed up for trig this semester (see previous blogs) and now I'm beginning to wonder what I've gotten myself into. I don't think that the work is that hard, its just very confusing. I haven't dealt with shapey, angley things since high school. And I know there's homework, I just can't access it because my computer doesn't like the homework computer. I just went and found the labs I'm supposed to be doing but none of them has a due date on it. When are they due?! When!!?? Have they already been due? I don't know! I don't know!! I can't drop the class because I get government money and if I get below 12 credit hours I don't get paid enough. I'm at 14 now and Trigonometry is 3. I can do 14-3 and it doesn't equal 12. I think the real problem is that I missed class yesterday (Tuesday). I was five minutes late because the Speech guy went over. There's no clock in that room so he didn't know he was going over. I walked as fast as I could and I was still 5 minutes late and the door was already locked. I missed a class. It might've been important, it might not have. I have no way of knowing. I don't even know how many sections he covered. Should I do 1.3 or 1.3 and 1.4? I don't know!

weasel fluff

I'm sitting at my desk, doing nothing and thinking non-thoughts. I know there are better things I could be doing, but I just cannot find the motivation to get up and do them. I'm upset that this week didn't have a Monday. I like Monday. I get to go to Zoology on Monday and I clean out my car on Monday (at least in theory) and I get to go back to the gym after a horrible, perilous weekend doing without. I didn't get to do any of those things, and the things I did do which were supposed to be fun, leisure activities turned out to be oddly unsatisfying. I think next time I have a three day weekend then I'll just not take the day off. Refuse to vacation. I'll just go to classes like normal and if the building is locked then I'll study on my own And I'll refuse to have any sort of "fun" because fun ultimately comes back to bite you in the ass. 

with a dwarf

my parents are out of town this week and they took hayley with them. and its labor day. on labor day everyone across the nation toils and labors endlessly for 24 hours or until they pass out from exhaustion. i bought work gloves special for the occaision. i have to put the chickens back in their house for my dad. they don't know that they can't fly. its kind of funny like when my brother used to think he was superman. he figured out he couldn't fly after three trips to the emergency room and he still has the scars to remind him. but the chickens make my hands smell funny. i watched scary movie 4 today and i have to wonder why poop is so funny.. it doesn't seem like comedy to me. i think there were at least 3 instances where a character pooped in that movie. and in that new jack black movie where he pretends to be mexican, he poops, too. i don't get it. my mouth tastes like cheese and that tells me that its time to visit mr. toothbrush. i also visit with mr. floss but sometimes he's a mean lil fella.

tweedle stupid

i'm not liking my history class. its not quite like government. karppi still handed out review sheets (o, glorious review sheets!) but the book just isn't cooperating. it has no glossary and no words in bold. it's just sentences and paragraphs. what the hell am i supposed to do with that? i wasn't ever showed how to effectively process raw information. you'll notice that i liked the book when i was reading it for fun, but now that i'm spending tedious hours scanning its selfish pages for reference to Sam Adams, i absolutely hate it. I looked him up in the index and it gave me the wrong page number (everything seems to be on the page after the reference page listed in the index...) and when I did find mention of him it just says "...radicals like Samuel Adams" and then goes right on to talk about something else. It came with some on-line reference materials, but when i tried to access them it told me the server was offline. this book sucks as a textbook.
I'm also not liking my trig class. i was terrified the first day because i overheard some girl complaining about the teacher. she made it sound like he locked his students in the classroom so he could torture them and no one would hear their screams. he does lock the door, but that's only to encourage punctuality. I'm not liking the class because he doesn't give us any notes. everything he writes on the board is in pictures. he talks about the important stuff, but once again i am unable to process raw information. i need it packaged into a consumer-friendly bundle and handed to me. damn public high school, damn it to hell!! also he keeps thinking that we all remember stuff from previous math classes, like that's possible. he seems to think that i'd be familiar with a distance formula with a square root on it. i've never seen it written like that. at least not that i recall.
Speech class is terrifying. I had to make a speech today and it was only the second day. i was shaking so much and then i got really sick later. thankfully,  not during the speech. i think it wasn't just nerves, it was also the fact that we're not allowed to eat or drink in class so i hadn't eaten or drank anything for several hours. i usually consume water constantly, especially when its hot. and i get really hungry around 10 am (speech starts at 10:30). i don't think that's fair to dehydrate and starve people and then ask them to try to learn, i think at least water should be permitted. you may say "what about between classes?" but that's only ten minutes and i spend it doing a mad shuffling run across campus so i won't be late. if i could find a way to eat, drink, and run all at the same time and while carrying 40 pounds of books on my back, i'd be much better.
My zoology class is just like biology in slow motion. i'm beginning to wish i'd been brave enough to sign up for physics or even microbiology. besides one of my lab partners being a fat slut with bad weave (she wore pants last class thank God), there's this whiny girl who first day announced that she would absolutely refuse to do any dissections because she found it morally reprehensible. ???  did she not read the course catalog?!? that's basically all zoology is- dissections, taking animals apart and tinkering with their innards. and then talking about it. now chemistry is a nice, non-dissecting science. its about the same difficultly level, so why didn't she take that? i am awed and repulsed by some of my classmates this semester. i guess that's what happens when you go to community college. i suppose its like going to a cheap whore and then being repulsed by her many diseases. i really should have learned to expect a metaphorical rash on my privates after an encounter with CTC.

freedom quest with rrrrrrubies!

my mom and grandmother went on a cruise all week and i was stuck at my mom's house with my baby taking care of all their stuff. and i got a real bad cold the first day and it still hasn't let go. i'm past the sore throat and feelings of death's clammy hand on my shoulder now. just sneezing a lot, but it was bad there for awhile. i still haven't decided if my week sucked or not. some of it was fun, i guess. my chicken vindaloo was pretty good, especially considering i've never seen or tasted it before i made it. but the moloi kafta... never again!! i couldn't get my kaftas to fry right. i think it may have been the recipe's fault, though. i get my recipes from recipezaar.com and they're all written by everyday, normal people and not by chefs and book editors, so sometimes they're unclear and imprecise. the sauce had too much tomato and it was just not good. especially since i'm allergic to tomato. which may have contributed to the "death's clammy hand" feeling. my grandmother's dog actually behaves fairly well when she isn't around. i was almost starting to like him, but now she's back and he's an obnoxious ankle biter again. poo! my dad got me an mp3 player. its a sandisk sansa. i've never heard of it, but it was made in china so i guess its okay. we bought it off craigslist from some guy in austin. he gave me his headphones, too. they're great and they make a smurshy noise in my ear. they're used which is thrilling like having sex with a stranger! except that i don't think there are any ear-transmitted diseases. the only thing is that the sansa copied my playlist all out of order and it put Whale of the Sea right next to What Did Her Autopsy Reveal? those just can't go together. it isn't kosher. and i can't get them to separate. i tried. i'll live with it because the sound quality is nice. and it gets loud enough to block out various noises. i've had my walkman at top volume and i can still hear the music in the gym and the grunting of the weight-lifters and other people talking and.. everything. and i don't think it'll pull down my pants with its bulk or run out of batteries every week. it doesn't have a clip so i'm gonna use a binder clip. i'm excited.

antichrist forgiven

I got a book about the native americans during prehistoric times. There hasn't been anything in it about the chopping off of their enemy's hands before throwing them into a mass grave to be buried alive with rotting corpses. The author seems to be one of those who only paints a picture of the native americans as a peaceful, lovey group. Kind of like the ancestors of hippies. He hasn't said one word about inter-tribal wars, but has said a lot about how difficult it must have been to live in such a "niggardly land". Yes, he used the word "niggardly". I don't think we're allowed to say that anymore but its a pretty old book. It was the only book that had anything in it about the native americans before the arrival of europeans. I guess people aren't really interested in anything except genocide when it comes to native americans. And someone checked out all the Buffy season 7 DVDs. I was going to get them today. I wanted them for cruise-week (see previous blog) in case i don't have time for the gym (i do Step with my buffy). I know my gym time is going to be severely limited because i have to go while hayley is at school. her school only lasts 3 hours, so if i subtract travel and shower time then i'll only be in the gym for about 2 or 2.5 hours at the most. i'll probably focus more on the treadmill and the weight machines cause i don't have anything like that at home. i don't do free-weights cause i'd injure myself and look like an idiot or other people would try to talk to me. some guy tried to talk to me the other day, but i think my smell was an effective detterent. i couldn't figure out why he was attempting conversation at all, but then later i found out he's someone's personal trainer and thus has personality flaws that would cause him to socialize irresponsibly. lots of people bring their personal trainers to the gym and its always this really energetic guy that makes them do weird stuff with those big, rubber balls and other brightly colored objects. sometimes personal trainers come to my gym and train themselves except without the enthusiastic verbal encouragement. they probably just think really loud and chipper when its just them.

trinocerous

hayley had her first day of school. i was really worried because she had such a hard time in daycare. she got kicked out because she wouldn't stop crying the whole time. i sent her for about a month, 3 times a week, 2 hours each time. she screamed right through the whole thing until they couldn't stand it anymore and sent her home. but she likes school. she went in and didn't cry at all. and she's going back tomorrow. she's in the special-ed pre-k at public school. lots of hyphens. there's only one other kid in her class, but there's three teachers. they might get more kids later on. my mom's going on a cruise next week so i have hayley all to myself. yay. my mom doesn't like curry, so i'm cooking a massive amount of indian food on tuesday. my brothers and my dad really like it and i've been wanting to see how i do with "ethnic" cooking. i'm gonna make moloi kafta, palak paneer, naan, chicken vindaloo, and some other things i can't pronounce. i bought actual saffron. it costs $12 for half a teaspoon. i feel so indulgent. i wanted to buy the cheaper substitute, turmeric, but oddly the HEB doesn't carry turmeric, just saffron. i have to go to austin for the cheap stuff this time. i feel all weird and reversey. and who in killeen can afford saffron anyway?! why is it being stocked? why? its one of the great mysteries of the universe. i need to make more protein bars. i have two left. i have to go to austin for dried fruit and soy powder and wheat germ and oat bran... and some other things. i have realized one of my life's ambitions. i now own a push-up bra. yes, i have dreamed of this moment for about 7 years. they never seemed to have one in my size, but yesterday i found the miraculous object at a wal-mart of all places and have purchased it. i will now wear it proudly. under a shirt. one without buttons. 

hbd2me

another year wasted.
for my birthday i really wanted a big-ass three layer fancy fudge cake. i decided to make it myself. so, i went on the internet to recipezaar.com and got a recipe for raspberry-chocolate ganache. to use as a filling between the cakey layers. then i went to the HEB and got cake boxes, frostings, etc... i started work on the cake at about 11:30 sunday night. my mom only has one cake pan so i had to pour batter, bake, and cool three times. then i made the ganache. it didn't work. its supposed to get really stiff and fluffy, like hard whipped cream. but the ganche stayed soupy and liquidy. i put it in the fridge. it got a little stiffer. around 5 a.m. i decided to use it. then my cake turned into a big three layer slip and slide. at 7 a.m. i gave up trying to frost the cake because it wouldn't stay still. I returned to the HEB, got more cake boxes, etc... but this time i got strawberry frosting to put in the middle of the cake. second cake worked. yay! i finished it in the early afternoon. then i took hayley to the Blockbuster and let her pick out some movies. She got A Bug's Life and two Clifford the Big Red Dog episodes on VHS. We watched those and ate BBQ from Rudy's and then ate giant chunks of cake. My mom gave $100 and John Bill took me to Wal-Mart and bought me shoes and underpants. Which may sound lame to you, but to someone who has inadequate shoes and underpants its really a great gift. We still have an amazing amount of fudgey cake laying around. my dad salvaged the slip-n-slide cake and slapped some frosting on it. its kind of puddly, but tastes good. My grandmother took me shopping and i got shirts and pants and things that actually fit! i think everyone in killeen has seen my underpants because i've been wearing pants 2 sizes too big for a few months. hayley likes to pants me in the grocery store. she's kind of mean sometimes. i'm going shopping again on saturday. i decided to kill my credit card because i probably won't get another opportunity to buy clothes for awhile and i'm sick of looking like trailer trash (even though i live in a trashy trailer). i also want to make some t-shirts that me and walter designed on a napkin. i need to call him and see if he still has the list. the only one i remember was supposed to say "The Start Time is My Key" on the sleeve. That always cracked me up.

nature humps a vacuum

The puritans thought that God decided whether or not a person would be going to heaven before they were born, so it didn't matter what they did in their lives. Kind of like Rasputin thought that in order to be forgiven (and saved) first, you had to sin. So he sinned a lot and told people it was good for his soul. That's kind of weird to think about. Puritans going around stealing and adultering and setting things on fire (in my imagination, there are a lot of pyromaniac puritans) and then still being saints. Or other people going around doing good deeds and being helpful and giving money to the poor and saving kids that got caught in the puritans' blazes and then being damned. I don't really get how that was supposed to work, and my history book is being somewhat unhelpful. It talks about the religion of the pilgrims for about 2 sentences for each group. It says the quakers believed that anyone could talk to God and therefore priests and ministers are uneccessary. Kind of sounds like a bunch of kids trying to form a club without electing a president. Guess it worked out for them though- they're still sellin oats and whatnot. Hmm.. I suppose all that cannibalism didn't affect the puritans' holy status either. This history book makes the indians (excuse me, native americans) seem a lot meaner than the cowering tree-huggers portrayed in my former history books. These indians brain babies and get violent sometimes. I like that better, it seems more accurate. Yeah, they were massacred and died by the millions, but I always thought they must have at least tried to fight back. The version where they were just trying to be friends with the settlers never quite felt right to me. Made them seem real dim witted. Like "You just shot my entire family and took everything I own, but we can still get along, right?"
I actually didn't have anything to say in this blog,  that's why I'm rambling about my history book again. John Bill took back his Playstation so I can't watch Buffy at my house anymore and my mom is using the TV at her house. I feel all Buffy deprived. That happens when I go without for 12 hours. I've timed it.
Oh, hey, I almost forgot. We got rid of our rooster! I don't have to extract zygotes from my eggs anymore!! And I can sleep later that 6 am. Its great.

out of context

i went to BLORA yesterday with hayley and john. hayley got really scared of all the other kids there. she didn't want to get in the water at first, but after i dragged her in she had a lot of fun. and then she got real tired. she doesn't like other kids. usually all she'll say to them is "stop looking at hay. or you can't look at me." she hates people staring at her. sometimes people stare because she walks funny, but i tell her they're looking because she's so cute. she still gets all upset. when we go to the grocery store she doesn't even like me to look at her. she'll push my head if i try to turn towards her. i feel gross today. i don't usually get to shower much on weekends and i'm tired. had to go to the HEB last night and there was this really pushy woman behind me in the checkout line. she had no conception of personal space or patience. she kept shoving. i almost slapped her. i really wanted to slap her. hard. and then make her my bitch. i just don't get why people have to be so pushy. she must've flunked kindergarten or something. 

everlasting noodles

my toothpaste tastes like pepto bismol! i was reading my history book last night and the first farming people in the americas had religions based on corn. it made me giggle. their entire lives revolved around corn. Corn! it makes sense because without the corn they probably wouldn't be alive, or they'd be on the verge of starvation but ... oh great corn goddess! please bless us and then we'll eat you. tee hee hee. there was this really bizarre paragraph i'd like to share. they're talking about the excavated burial mound of a corn-worshippin' chieftain.

"Near the chieftian's bones were the skeletons of 50 women ranging from 18 to 23 years old, likely sacrifices to the gods. Their bones were genetically different from the the Cahokian skeletons, suggesting that the young women were captives in war or tribute sent by vassal states.
    In a pit near these skeletons were those of four men whose heads and hands had been cut off; their necks and vertebrae bore multiple cuts indicating torture or mutilation. Another nearby burial pit included a mass grave. Some skeletons had been decapitated or their skulls smashed; a few of the fingers were in a vertical position, suggesting that the people were not dead at the time of burial and attempted to scratch  their way out."

Then it moves right along to talk about their building methods. WTF? I was kind of hoping for an explanation of who these people were. Now I'm left with all these loose ends. Why four men? Why were they tortured? And about this huge pit -who were they? Most history books at least have the decency to speculate. I want to know why those four weren't tossed in with the rest. What makes them so special? And I wanna know if all those chicks were put in there all at once like a thank you for this chief's life and here's 50 girls to follow him to the afterlife or if it was a yearly thing and they'd been there for 50 years. and there's no chance that they'll answer these questions in the next chapter. they just moved right along into europe and then the discovery of the new world. but its a pretty good book nevertheless. guess i'll just be doing some supplemental reading.
hey, i made protein bars! they taste like cake. I was watching this show on the food network and the guy told me all about protein bars. he said that the ones they sell in the store are really bad for you cause they have a lot of sugar and preservatives and the protein comes mostly from cow parts. the unsavory cow parts like hooves and skin and ew. then he showed me how to make my own with soy protein. and they're tasty. yay! i was worried they'd taste like brick or dirt. but nope, cake. i have to go to the store today because i'm out of bottled water. i have running water now so i could drink that, but after 6 months without, i kind of got used to the drinking water in jugs. and i still can't make ice, so i like to keep water in the fridge. and i need some yogurt and stuff to make cookies. i'm going to make those double chocolate diet cookies that i luv so much and maybe they will help me stop eating the brownies. maybe i should start a religion based on brownies. oh, great mother brownie! thank you for my life and now i will eat you.

communist proper gander

I think I may have a cold, but it seems to be manifesting entirely in my sinuses. John just had the same cold and he was all sneezy and coughy for a week. I don't feel so great, but all I get is slight congestion and headaches. That's weird, eh? Maybe it isn't a cold. Maybe a mad scientist has been breaking into my house and injecting me with an experimental virus while I sleep. Well, jokes on him cause it didn't kill me! yet... I visited John at work today and we sat at the duck pond and watched the ducks gettin it on. I feel sorry for male birds because they have no intromittent organ (er.. "weiner") and only one lil internal ball. They have to mate by touching their buttholes together because birds only have one opening. Everything comes out there: poop, eggs, semen, everything. Think about that next time you have scrambled eggies. I do. 

good news

Hayley can now say the longest word in the english language.
antidisestablishmentarianism
Amos has been trying to teach her to say that since before she could talk. The other good news is that I'm getting Karppi for History next semester! Yay!! He's like the blessed Pilsbury Doughboy of Social Sciences. I love him! He is the easiest teacher but yet, I still learn stuff. He gives out a review at the beginning of each unit and all you gotta do is find the answers and memorize them. (Yeah I said unit). I've already started reading my book when I'm not in the gym because I thought I was getting Williams and he's not bad, but he's not Karppi either. I thought about trading my Zoology for Physics but I'm too chicken. I hate it that I don't understand things like cosmic strings and that whole movement vantage point thingy. I think I'm going to get Physics for dummies and see how that goes. kind of take things slow, then work my way up to time travel and actual physics courses. But I will do it someday, even if it isn't in my degree plan. Just cause I'm usually so good at science. It's a challenge, I guess. I need to eat now.

PB&J on rye

This document contains too much information. Turn back now.

I've been hanging out with republicans.
And they really aren't as bad as I thought they would be.
Sure, they're offensive, narrow minded, rude, ignorant, tiny people
But they're kind of sweet too.
Like dolls.

I just wanted to know why they think homosexuality is a sin. I'd ask them myself, but I was taught to respect other people's beliefs no matter how ass backwards they are. Its part of being an American- respecting people's freedom of religion because they have to respect yours. At least in theory. But I just don't get it. The only time I've ever heard any of these people say outright "homosexuality is a sin" is when they talk about Sodom and Gommorrah. Apparently there was a city that was so full of evil people that God wanted to wipe it out. But one of his sons (that means a really religious guy, not like Jesus) was living there. So He told the guy what He was going to do so he could get himself and his family out of the way. And the guy wanted the city to be spared and eventually the Lord sent down an angel to try to talk to the people of Sodom. Try to get them to repent or something. But they were reeeeal perverted and they tried to rape the angel. And it says that they didn't know their wives. Which means that they'd never slept with them, but that they were all fudge-packers. And this is the tricky part. It says that God punished them for their sins by destroying their city and sending them all to hell. But it never says exactly what their sins were. I always thought that their sin wasn't being gay, but not being gay and yet having all the manonman buttsex anyway. I've read that passage before and that's the way it always looked to me. Like in ancient greece, the guys thought that women were so unworthy that they wouldn't want to screw them except to procreate. So they'd screw each other instead. And that's being perverted.
Because they aren't really gay, they're just horny. All the gay people I've met  haven't been any more oversexed than the straight people I've met. They pretty much want the same things. Get married, raise kids, have house n car..etc... and that's not perversion, its life.
I've been attracted to girls since I was about 6 years old. Nothing happened to me to make me that way, I was raised all normal and my mom and dad weren't divorced or any trauma. But I had a huge crush (more like an obsession) on a girl. And I really wanted to do her. Not that I knew what it was, like when little boys hit girls cause they like them. I didn't start liking boys until I was 17. And even now, I'm more physically attracted to women than to men. I just have to think that God must have made me that way. Its not like I chose to be gay at the age of 6. I didn't even know what gay was. I didn't even know what sex was. So, if being gay is a sin and yet God made me that way, then he is one sadistic dude. I know this is kind of a controversial subject and I shouldn't be talking about it, but it really bothers me. And I don't understand. But I am not going to go to the nice Republican pastor and talk to him about it because I know he'd try to convert me and who knows what that would entail. I like the way I am. I like it that women get me hot, and I like it that I'm in love with a great guy with really huge balls  and he gets me hot sometimes, too. I'm not exactly bisexual because I'd take sex with a man over sex with a woman anyday, but that's mostly because getting oral is just sooo gross. (And don't say that I just think that because no one's ever done it right, the last three guys said that and I gave them a shot and it still made me queasy. So no licking for me, thanks). So in summation: women are the only ones who make my heart beat fast and get me wet, but men are the only ones I want to screw. As for love, it doesn't really matter. I've loved both and bottom line- people are people, boy or girl, the outside is just a shell anyway.

Now I know I've said too much and probably been a little too personal, but this is my blog and if it offends you, then why are you reading it? And if you have read it, and you have comments, I would really like to see them posted. I'm confuszled and sleepy.

PS I don't care what anyone else thinks, fat-pregnant Britney is waaaayyy hotter than pop princess Britney. Ohh yeah...

premature morality

your word for the day: anchoritize.

I have a lovely little mosquito family living in my bedroom. there's a mommy mosquito and a daddy mosquito and a bunch of little baby mosquitoes. isn't that charming? I wake up every morning with dozens of tiny bites all over my limbs and a few on my face, too. I'm beginning to look like I have the pox. I have to do something soon. I'm working on a plan. Shhhhhh.. don't let the little dears know that their dinner is about to bite back. I'm going to use the element of suprise!
I finished zoology with an average of 110. I'm taking another zoology in the fall just cause I liked it so much. It was actually kind of boring. Except for the cutting and tearing of flesh. Luckily, I didn't come to class hungry and have to battle an irrational urge to eat the specimens like what happened in Biology. I'm going to the gym twice today. I did a short workout this morning and then I'm doing a longer one in just a few minutes. I have to wash my gym clothes and towels. They didn't have the fans on this morning so it was very hot and gross. And a bunch of guys keep staring at me. Its getting really creepy. The first time I thought maybe they were just pervy, but it keeps happening and with different guys. I think maybe they want me to look at them, like using their mind power to make me turn around or something. So I could admire their muscular physiques and be all impressed and cream myself. Its not going to happen. Maybe they're just impressed with my ability to sweat profusely. My sudoriferous glands are in the best shape ever!

Ieeeee

I saw this car yesterday that had some of those little magnetic ribbons on it. One of them said "Support Our Troops" and the other one said "Mothers Against Drunk Driving". If I was a logical robot I would've exploded because its impossible to support the troops and be against drunk driving. Unless you only support the 10 or so soldiers who don't drive drunk. I also saw this little black car almost run into another car because it was trying desperately to race some fancy mustang. John said it wasn't just a mustang, it was a special kind of racing mustang, but I forget exactly what he called it. It was pretty hilarious because the mustang didn't even say "vroom" but the little black car left about half his tires melted to the road and almost got himself stuck in the side of a van. And guess who won... that's right, the mustang. I also saw some idiot on a motorcycle driving down Highway 195 with no helmet, driving in the middle, oily part of the road, going 75. That's nothing remarkable though. The funny part was that he was wearing those motorcycle boots with no laces. They're supposed to be safer, but he also had these jeans on with really frayed edges. That kind of negates any benefit of driving without laces. I think maybe soldiers secretly have a death wish and when they don't get killed overseas they feel disappointed so they do these moronic things like not wearing a helmet, driving drunk, racing, and other motor stunts. Then they get killed and are happy. I wouldn't really mind because most of them are child molesters except that they sometimes take other people along with them. And that isn't fair.

give up

okay, i made a really bad little movie, but the damn thing won't upload. so i'm giving up on the whole "video options i intend to use.." thing. I'm crap at filming, crap at editing, and even more crap at posting.. it takes up so much of my valuable time that i could be using to poke at dead things in jars. so no more videos.. well, maybe one more. i was thinking i'd film my Me sim doing something so you can see how i've idealized myself in the sim world. and you just gotta take a look at the John Bill sim because it looks sooo much like him! seriously! he translates into sim almost perfectly. but then that's it and i will fold my director's chair and throw a hat or something.
    I did a scary thing on monday. I made my first foray into my school's gym. It was terrifying. I almost ran away after sitting in the locker room for 5 minutes. Only reason I didn't was becase the desk guy would've noticed that I signed out so soon and he might've poked fun at me. I walked right into that little weight room and got on the elliptical trainer and it kept clacking at me so i changed machines. That wasn't so bad. I stayed for about an hour and injured a tendon. I do that frequently because my joints are all shitty. Then I looked at the weight machine for a minute or two before stretching and showering and going home. i want to use the weight machine for my arms, but i don't remember how. ther's all kinds of pulleys and levers and ropes and bars on it. i think maybe if i go there often enough i might see someone else using it and at least get an idea from watching. i'm going back today to try out either the treadmill or the bikey thingy. no more elliptical trainer until that joint heals.

i will post

got my first grade back today. didn't study, got a 101. it kind of makes me sad. she's not an easy grader either. she scoffed at my effort to define evolution because i left out the phrase "in a line of descent". i was just trying to be succinct and skip the obvious. there was extra credit, so it didn't matter. but what kind of sophmore level bio class asks a student to define evolution? shouldn't we be past that? i think we get to cut up lampreys tomorrow tho. that will make me happy. i love the lil suckers! when i die i want to be weighted and tossed to a bunch of hagfish. probably won't happen, but i can dream, right?

suck

today sucked! i went to my first class and the teacher had changed the class end time without telling anyone so i couldn't go to my next class and i had to drop it. i've never dropped a class before! so, now i have to take history next semester on top of the other 12 hours of classes i already had planned. the zoology teacher (who changed her class time) seemed to be under the impression that someone in administration would've contacted me if my class times conflicted. i marveled at her naivete. no one in admin. ever does anything right! they thought i lived in killeen, arkansas for a whole year. somehow i was living in a fictional city in another state and yet making it to class on time every day. maybe they assumed that i owned a private jet. so today sucked and it was too hot. i had to drink 2 gallons of water before the thirst left me and i still have that stupid "sun" headache. i think i might be getting sick and that's why i feel like such a bitch. it will pass.