janis is back

i hate holidays. sure, having the time off school is great, but its lonely and boring. most people have gone away to spend time with their families or got into the egg nog and are passed out somewhere with a creamy liquor beast in their belly. there's nothing to do now that classes are over and the gym is closed (gym closed!! PANIC!!) and i've started once again to wish that i had actual friends. that's the plural of "friend" and by "actual" i mean people that live in this state, preferably in the same area, who have similar interests, and that i know well enough that i could say with at least 99% confidence that they wouldn't try to kill me with a forklift. i'm sorry to sound like a damaged phonograph, but i really do miss my friends from high school. seems like back then it was easier to meet like-minded people and most of them didn't know how to operate a forklift. the point is: i'm tired of being alone. i don't want a one on one relationship either, i want friends. i want multiple persons i can talk to, spend time with, have fun with. and i'm trying to find these people, but its an awful lot harder than i remember it being, and i'm beginning to understand why i gave up after everyone moved away. i'm starting to wonder if maybe its true that if you have sims, you don't need friends. maybe i should just crawl back into my solitary lifestyle with my head hung in defeat and resign myself to being an island. i could even grow a coconut tree on my back- then i'd never truly be alone and i'd always have something to throw.

unitards for the masses

This past weekend, I went to San Marcos to visit some friends from high school. After the first day, I started feeling surprisingly bitchy. I kept telling myself its just PMS or something, ignore it and try to have a freaking good time, you cunt. The feeling persisted all weekend and through Monday and Tuesday and on into today, Wednesday, when I finally had an epiphany.

I realized that I have been holding onto this nearly subconscious (and extremely juvenile) belief that if I just wait here, in Killeen, then eventually all my friends will return to me and things will be as they once were. Seeing how everyone has changed and moved on forced me to face the fact that they are never coming back to this shithole. That really fucks with my head because the belief that everything will be okay if I just sit still and wait was one of my pillars of comfort. I leaned on that pillar when my first boyfriend broke up with me in 1999. the last thing he said before his hurried exit was a promise that he would come back. I think a part of me is still waiting for him to pull his old, blue truck into my driveway and reassure me that he wasn't just trying to use me for sex, that he actually valued me as a person, and show me how that could be possible even when all the evidence points to the contrary. Of course I know that that is an absurd thought- last I heard he was happily married and had 5 stepchildren.

The truth is, my friends are never coming back. When people told me that high school was the best time of my life, I laughed at them. Now I realize how right they were, and I see how much time I wasted. I try not to think too much about how great high school was compared to where I am now because if I look too closely at the things that were happening in my life at that point, and notice that I wasn't ever really that close to any of my friends, then I see how truly pathetic my whole existence has been. The lifting of the illusion is enough to cause projectile vomiting. And I regret not killing myself in 2001 when I had the chance. I could've "done something drastic" before I got weighed down with all this adult bullshit. I'm far too mature and responsible for that now.

I guess I am left with but one option: live. I'll build up other comforting pillars of smoke to rest against, I'll continue to lie to myself about how much better things will be just over the next hill, and I'll try to appear content and sane to lend comfort to those around me. That's what everyone else does, right?

On a happier note, I did have fun with my friends in San Marcos. I met new people (most of whom I liked, but even the ones I didn't like had entertainment value), I found out that drinking straight scotch helps me with my digestive problems, I got to go to Austin (yay Toy Joy!!). Also, I got to eat Marie-France's Best Potatoes EVAR. I think I may have to become a potato junkie and just show up at odd times of night and try to trade potatoes for money, sex, and stolen valuables. And I look forward to seeing them again, even if it means destroying some of my carefully constructed vapor crutches. After the weeping and vomiting, I can always build more.

corporate gumball mouse

our society is incapable of producing a decent human being. people betray and people are wrong. i know i'm not a decent human being. i like the idea that our race is like a plague of locusts that will overtake and destroy the planet, making it ready for new lifeforces. i also like the idea that our society is swiftly collapsing and when it does we will be forced to assume a hunter/gatherer lifestyle. something more in tune with mother nature or another fruity, nonsensical, personification. like gaia from captain planet, maybe. when that happens, we'll all have to embrace anarchy and only the strong will survive. i'll probably die early on, assuming this happens during my lifetime. i'll be glad for that, too, because i expect that mostly the assholes will survive and i'd rather not be a part of a society comprised entirely of illiterate apemen (and women). i'm already part of a community where they seem to be in the majority.

there's this song by the jazz butcher conspiracy about a guy who murders his girlfriend and buries her in an onion field becuase she's too good and pure for the world. sometimes i daydream about having a boyfriend who, like the character in the song, recognizes my purity and consequent incompatibility with the rest of society. i think i'd like him to drown me in tepid rosewater or something else tragicly romantic before desecrating and eviscerating my corpse. i wouldn't like to be buried in an onion field, though. i'd rather be weighted and thrown to the hagfish in the ocean, where my mass could be recycled as fuel for those slimy creatures and become a part of their ecosystem. of course none of this will ever happen because i'm not actually too pure or too good for this world and my perceived discordance with the rest of society is probably just a construct of my own imagination or a consequence of spending too many years in isolation.

i don't think humans are inherently evil, but i do believe that there is an inherent wrong in the human mind, something akin to original sin, that causes people to behave the way they do. this flaw makes me sad, but it is comforting to realize that i am not immune.