prefer a crunchy ambassador

i went to target today to get clothes. i do not like clothes shopping now. i really really do not. i used to like it back when i was cute and i had a nice ass and everything looked cute on me. between trying on things i could look at myslef in the mirror and say "why, you look mighty cute!" i never did, but it was at least a possibility. i bought $127 dollars worth of underwear. it was horrible. i didn't know my bra size so i had to try everything on. i tried some push up bras, but they made me feel like i was being pushed, you know, up. i didn't have anyone there to turn to and say "are my boobs too up in this?" i don't have any girl friends and you can't ask a guy that kind of question. i don't think boobs are ever too up for a guy and he'd have to be in drag to get into the changing room anyway. it was a traumatic experience and i need time to sulk. i have to go back out tomorrow to forage for a sweater. i may be scarred for life.

shoe of margarine (ammended)

i got drunk last night after being sober for a year. i am so veryvery sick right now. ugh....

i had to go lay down for a bit, but i'm gonna finish this dammit!

me and this guy got drunk at my house and we watched movies on vhs because i don't have a dvd player anymore. it was okay, though, because i was too drunk to really see what was on the tv anyways. i think i showed him all my science books (i am such a dork). one of them was off the shelf this morning and i have a vague recollection of looking at it. i have a lot of vague recollections. i'm pretty sure i had a good time, even though i'm really freaking sick right now. thanks guy for getting drunk with me.

sexy world economy

i went to the plagiarism festival in austin today. it was so so cool! there weren't a whole lot of people there and i liked that. me and walter just wandered around in the enchanted forest and looked at art that was lying about. there were a whole bunch of really giant spiders left over from the halloween party and we met a kid named Zap. Walter had his comic strips up. He cut up the sunday funnies and rearranged them into new and hilarious concoctions. does anyone remember "little man out to stand in the dinner"? that one was there. the other art was cool, too. melted plastic legs dangling from trees, dolls nailed to stuff, pirhana flowers, a really neat painting of a young homer simpson, and some rip offs of andy warhol. after we left the festival we went to walter and jean's apartment and watched a suckdog video. i liked the part about the mayonaise fist fucker, but lisa and that french guy kept getting naked and rolling in poo. that was really gross. i don't care for poo much at all. call me a prude if you like, but you will never find me rolling in poo for any reason, not even for sex. i think that's about the only thing i wouldn't even want to try (besides anal sex with a horse). me and walter and jean all went to eat at the kerbey lane cafe. i also wore my copyright infringement is you best entertainment value shirt that is so big its more like a tunic. and walter wore his urinal shirt. who was that guy who did the urinal? i forget. we talked about the fur-covered teacup, too. i love that thing.

back away slowly

i broke up with john. again. that's the third time now, i think. i did it 3 weeks ago, but i didn't want to say anything in case it didn't take. he kept reminding me of my mother. the things he'd say and do, and the way i was around him. i noticed that i would change the clothes i was wearing, the music in my car, the thoughts in my head, and hide various other aspects of myself before i went to see him. that was unsettling. i do things like that for my mother, but i shouldn't have to do that for my boyfriend. i shouldn't have to question whether he would accept me for who i am or not. he's been in rehab with the christian house of prayer for almost a year now and he's a much better person for it. he has a jobby and he's way less violent now. i tried the religious conversion thing. i tried it, i really really did try to be all christian. i went to church everyday, i prayed at least twice a day. i contacted god, i accepted jesus, the whole shebang. i'm not religious anymore. i wasn't happy there. i couldn't reconcile my experiences with christian beliefs, and the praying was really starting to freak me out. when you pray, you open up a channel of communication to another world. the ultimate goal is to contact god, but sometimes he's not the one waiting at the other end. its a delicate and dangerous process. in the end, i couldn't be a christian, it just isn't who i am. for awhile i thought i might be able to make things work with john, even if we didn't share the same beliefs. but i thought about what it would be like to go back to him, to marry him again- which is what i would have to do if i ever wanted to get laid again according to his religion- and i just couldn't do it. i couldn't imagine going back and having things be different. i couldn't imagine a life with john without the alcohol and all the horrible things. and just as soon as i broke up with him, he started drinking again. which leads me to believe that i was right- there is no life with john that doesn't include alcohol. i can imagine that he'd stay sober for awhile, but the first time we had a really serious argument he'd probably be back drinking. and then calling me up at 2 am, slurring about how much he misses me to make me feel guilty. i hope he's able to quit again and have a good life with some super conservative christian lady who can be a good wife to him, but it isn't me. he's the first person i've broken up with ever and i try not to think about it too much cause it usually sounds like "what the fuck have i done?" in my head. and then i have to do a ritual bloodletting, which is okay cause it feeds my leech minions.