back away slowly

i broke up with john. again. that's the third time now, i think. i did it 3 weeks ago, but i didn't want to say anything in case it didn't take. he kept reminding me of my mother. the things he'd say and do, and the way i was around him. i noticed that i would change the clothes i was wearing, the music in my car, the thoughts in my head, and hide various other aspects of myself before i went to see him. that was unsettling. i do things like that for my mother, but i shouldn't have to do that for my boyfriend. i shouldn't have to question whether he would accept me for who i am or not. he's been in rehab with the christian house of prayer for almost a year now and he's a much better person for it. he has a jobby and he's way less violent now. i tried the religious conversion thing. i tried it, i really really did try to be all christian. i went to church everyday, i prayed at least twice a day. i contacted god, i accepted jesus, the whole shebang. i'm not religious anymore. i wasn't happy there. i couldn't reconcile my experiences with christian beliefs, and the praying was really starting to freak me out. when you pray, you open up a channel of communication to another world. the ultimate goal is to contact god, but sometimes he's not the one waiting at the other end. its a delicate and dangerous process. in the end, i couldn't be a christian, it just isn't who i am. for awhile i thought i might be able to make things work with john, even if we didn't share the same beliefs. but i thought about what it would be like to go back to him, to marry him again- which is what i would have to do if i ever wanted to get laid again according to his religion- and i just couldn't do it. i couldn't imagine going back and having things be different. i couldn't imagine a life with john without the alcohol and all the horrible things. and just as soon as i broke up with him, he started drinking again. which leads me to believe that i was right- there is no life with john that doesn't include alcohol. i can imagine that he'd stay sober for awhile, but the first time we had a really serious argument he'd probably be back drinking. and then calling me up at 2 am, slurring about how much he misses me to make me feel guilty. i hope he's able to quit again and have a good life with some super conservative christian lady who can be a good wife to him, but it isn't me. he's the first person i've broken up with ever and i try not to think about it too much cause it usually sounds like "what the fuck have i done?" in my head. and then i have to do a ritual bloodletting, which is okay cause it feeds my leech minions.