This past weekend, I went to San Marcos to visit some friends from high school. After the first day, I started feeling surprisingly bitchy. I kept telling myself its just PMS or something, ignore it and try to have a freaking good time, you cunt. The feeling persisted all weekend and through Monday and Tuesday and on into today, Wednesday, when I finally had an epiphany.
I realized that I have been holding onto this nearly subconscious (and extremely juvenile) belief that if I just wait here, in Killeen, then eventually all my friends will return to me and things will be as they once were. Seeing how everyone has changed and moved on forced me to face the fact that they are never coming back to this shithole. That really fucks with my head because the belief that everything will be okay if I just sit still and wait was one of my pillars of comfort. I leaned on that pillar when my first boyfriend broke up with me in 1999. the last thing he said before his hurried exit was a promise that he would come back. I think a part of me is still waiting for him to pull his old, blue truck into my driveway and reassure me that he wasn't just trying to use me for sex, that he actually valued me as a person, and show me how that could be possible even when all the evidence points to the contrary. Of course I know that that is an absurd thought- last I heard he was happily married and had 5 stepchildren.
The truth is, my friends are never coming back. When people told me that high school was the best time of my life, I laughed at them. Now I realize how right they were, and I see how much time I wasted. I try not to think too much about how great high school was compared to where I am now because if I look too closely at the things that were happening in my life at that point, and notice that I wasn't ever really that close to any of my friends, then I see how truly pathetic my whole existence has been. The lifting of the illusion is enough to cause projectile vomiting. And I regret not killing myself in 2001 when I had the chance. I could've "done something drastic" before I got weighed down with all this adult bullshit. I'm far too mature and responsible for that now.
I guess I am left with but one option: live. I'll build up other comforting pillars of smoke to rest against, I'll continue to lie to myself about how much better things will be just over the next hill, and I'll try to appear content and sane to lend comfort to those around me. That's what everyone else does, right?
On a happier note, I did have fun with my friends in San Marcos. I met new people (most of whom I liked, but even the ones I didn't like had entertainment value), I found out that drinking straight scotch helps me with my digestive problems, I got to go to Austin (yay Toy Joy!!). Also, I got to eat Marie-France's Best Potatoes EVAR. I think I may have to become a potato junkie and just show up at odd times of night and try to trade potatoes for money, sex, and stolen valuables. And I look forward to seeing them again, even if it means destroying some of my carefully constructed vapor crutches. After the weeping and vomiting, I can always build more.
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