a swarm of apples

those of you who are my friends may have noticed that i've been posting a lot of surverys on the bulletins lately out of sheer boredom. i try to keep my answers interesting, but even the most daring surveys are ultimately monotonous (i don't wish on 11:11, my favorite color is purple, and the shirt i'm wearing is stained with your blood!!!!)so, while i was trying to sleep last night i started thinking up a survey of my own: things i would really want to know about my friends and questions they coud ask their friends. even though you'll probably think i'm a crackpot and that this is a waste of time (but that's the point, isn't it?) here it is:

Survey by me, Brak

1. how do you feel about biological (or "germ") warfare?

2. soldiers being replaced by highly sophisticated robots: good idea or bad idea?

3. if pigs could talk, but weren't any smarter or changed in any other way, do you think people would still eat them?

4. if you could taste human flesh without harming or killing another human being, would you want to?

5. you've decided to become a drifter, but can only carry one backpack with you. what's in it?

6. if you could only say one word for the rest of your life, which word would you prefer?

7. your son is marrying a transsexual. do you try to stop him?

8. could you build your own home? would you?

9. if all books were being banned, which one(s) would you take the time to memorize?

10. you've been hired by a very liberal university. which class(es) are you qualified to teach?

11. if you had to eat something even though you were certain you would vomit it up later, what would you eat?

12. why do you think zombies traditionally don't bother domestic animals?

13. regardless of scientific fact, do you consider white a color?

14. you're getting a new pet. what breed is it and what's its name?

15. if you had to be an evil dictator, which human population would you choose to decimate?

16. if you saw pink elephants dancing the tango, but only when you turned to your left, would you tell anyone?

17. if you had to sell the united states of america to any other country in the world and let their government take over, which country would you choose?

18. if you founded a new nation, who (dead or alive) would you choose to govern it?

19. a magical genie will grant you the ability to play one musical instrument well. which instrument do you choose?

20. if you could bring back one extinct species, which species would it be?

21. if you had to die in a public place, which place would you choose?

22. all else equal, would you rather be friends with a person who had their genitals growing out of their forehead or one who couldn't help speaking every thought that entered their mind?

23. do you think the world would be a better place if everyone suddenly went blind?

24. in your opinion, what is it that separates humans from other animals?

25. if it were discovered that ingesting your own excrement was the secret to eternal youth, how many people do you think would start doing it? would you?

26. you're serving a life sentence for murder and your evil scientist cellmate discovers a way to shrink you permanently down to 8 inches tall so you can escape through the bars. do you take this option?

27. lost in the wilderness for an indeterminate amount of time, would you rather lose your shoes or your sense of hearing?

28. would you try to make a working canoe out of bread if succeeding at this task would bring you instant fortune and fame?

29. do you have any food allergies? if so, to what?

30. how upset would you be if the sky turned magenta?

need a big loan from the girl zone

What makes a person a Woman?

If you were suddenly ousted from your body and could no longer define yourself as female based on psychical attributes, how would you still know what gender you are? You have no chromosomes, no breasts, no sex organs, no sexuality, no hair, no dainty feet, no swan-like neck or any other feature that has been pointed to as definitively "feminine". Can you still call yourself a woman? Or must you admit that perhaps you aren't a girl after all?

I've been struggling with questions like these over the past few months. I always depended on my thick, glossy hair and my mountainous breasts to define me as female. I no longer have these landmarks to look to for reassurance and, as this disease muddles my physical sexuality more thoroughly by the day, I find myself wondering if I can even count myself as a girl anymore. How can I be so sure that I'm not psychologically a male or a hermaphrodite or that I even possess a gender at all? What is it that makes a person a Woman?

Generally when people pose questions about differences between the sexes, they examine qualities of character or emotional traits. Men are courageous, patriotic, aggressive, and stoic, while Women are compassionate, patient, graceful and prone to mood swings. Since the 1970's when gender studies became more prevalent within the scientific community, there have been numerous articles and books and experiments that all reach the same conclusion: any characteristic can be expressed in any individual regardless of gender. It is still widely believed that some traits are predominately Female or Male (whether by nature or nurture, no one can say for sure), but properties like dependability or generosity cannot be relied upon to determine the sex of any human being.

If virtues and vices aren't what make a woman a Woman, then how can we define her? In our culture we consider certain movies and books and music and cars to be enjoyed only by females. We also have female occupations, clothing, jewelry, ideals, and behavior. But just as you can't define a person's gender based on their character, neither can you confidently define it based on their behavior or tastes. For example, I've known soldiers, supposedly the quintessential males: everything manly times one-hundred, who drove what were widely agreed to be girly cars. Also, I don't like romance novels, but I've known men who do. A classmate in high school traded his pants for a long skirt. Although his sexuality was questioned, wearing the skirt didn't make him any less of a man, just as a girl in blue jeans isn't counted as any less of a woman.

After months of introspection, self-inquisition, and after reviewing the facts I have come to the conclusion that a woman is a Woman because she considers herself one. A Woman is a person who, no matter what happens to her anatomy, retains a strong conviction that she is female. I define myself as a Woman, not because of my organs or my facial features or my bone structure, not because I'm compassionate or patient or loyal, and not because I dance to Britney Spears in my Hello Kitty underpants. I define myself as a Woman because at my core, the place where all physical trappings disintegrate, I know it to be true.

nine icicles

I don't usually enjoy non-fiction. I feel some confusion and even guilt over this. Why is it that a smart, inquisitive, young woman such as myself would rather spend her time reading "trash" fiction like the Resident Evil series, rather than enriching her mind or expanding her world view? I often lament my ignorance, yet I am loathe to enlighten myself! The only reason I can discern is isolation.

All of the non-fiction books I have read (even the relatively dry accounts of paleontology) are inflammatory. They provoke thought, they incite questions, they beg to be discussed, explored, debated, shared. I live alone. I have few friends and the friends I do have aren't usually interested in the same subject matter as I am. Even more, I live in a by-and-large frighteningly ignorant community comprised of people who are deliberately subliterate. My badly misjudged attempts at discussing anything with these casual acquaintances beyond the weather and popular sitcoms have resulted in my being ostracized or pitied (yes, pitied!!).

Therefore, when I read non-fiction outside the scope of community, as I by necessity must if I am to read it at all, I often find myself with a nasty case of psychological encephalitis: a thought-inflamed brain. My chasing-churning thoughts have no outlet beyond journaling which, although not entirely useless, is sadly, terribly, inadequate. What is the purpose of imbuing myself with all this knowledge, participating in so much thought if, eventually, even the most piquant thoughts stagnate?

subsequent belching mandatory

when i was a christian, the pastor at my church loved to tell anecdotes to drive home important messages. he told one about a family who quit the church and a few days later, their house burned down with their child inside. obviously, the moral here is "don't turn your back on God, He must be supervised around flammable objects at all times." the pastor had another story to remind us to listen to our conscience, which is supposedly the voice of God urging us to do His will through our actions. The moral here, simply put is "God works through people, so be an instrument of the Lord." this is about how it went:

there was a very religious (protestant, of course) marine taking a college course. his professor was an outspoken atheist. this professor, although the subject he taught was not religion, would occaisionally lecture the class on why there was no God. if you've been to college you know this isn't unusual; instructors like to pass along any "real world knowledge" they think might aid or enlighten their students. my geology teacher liked to lecture us on politics and law occaisionally, for example. most students just smile and nod and either ignore this unsolicited information or tuck it away for possible later use. but the marine had the hand of God working in him and the next time his professor started mouthing off about how God doesn't exist because if He *did* exist "He would strike me down right here!" that marine (under the influence of God) stood up, walked to the podium, and punched that loud-mouthed professor, knocking him unconscious.

so, *that's* what Jesus would do, eh? and the strange part is, when i heard this story the first time, in church, i didn't notice anything wrong with it. i leave you with my own moral: "Never underestimate the danger of a religious fanatic, and remember: the delusion can be contagious."

i like tagless hanes better

Here's how you play:
Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment (you're it) and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers.

1. i'm missing part of the bone in my left pinky toe cause i dropped a nightstand on it, it got broken off, and my body reabsorbed the calcium. 

2. i have 23 rats. 

3. someday i will live in the himuro family mansion (from fatal frame) and have an enormous library. 

4. since the age of 6, i have aspired to be a veterinarian. since the age of 16, after a summer job at a vet. clinic, i have aspired to work somewhere with animals who have no owners (i.e. zoo, shelter, aquarium, etc...)

5. i prefer high pulp OJ cause its juice i can chew.

6. currently, i am improving my vocabulary through reading by copying definitions of unkown words into a notebook. my word of the day: deliquesce. look it up.

7. people say i'm quiet, yet i can hold hours long conversations with my water faucets. hmm

8. i'm a die-hard thumbsucker!

9. i wouldn't like real-live zombies and i love animals, but my best dreams feature zombies and my nightmares always involve animals. 

10. sometimes, if i'm really happy, i lick my arm

i'm going to completely cop-out on the tagging other people. i'll take partial credit for this assignment. i can think of plenty of people who i would like to tag, but no people who i think would actually do it. but i'll hold my hand out and if you know me and you want to, then you can tag yourself on my hand and tell me about it. i'm not touching you.. does that bother you? i'm not touching you!

neoprene salad bar for lepers

yesterday was a hayley day-  the first one i've had since february, and i think i handled it magnificently, under the circumstances. she made me watch wubbzy tapes all morning (he has a bendy tail but he likes it that way.. or is it a she?) and at lunch i actually persuaded her to eat *actual food* instead of nutrition drinks for once. it was microwaved chicken and stars and she slurped it all up and didn't even leave a horrible horrible mess. then she dragged me back to her room and made me read her 5 books twice each and showed me her toys. she has a stuffed animal cat. i asked her what its name was and she said "hmm.. mm.. his name is Cat." so I made it sing moonshadow.

and then she told me her skunk's name was Tori so i would make it sing, too (caught a light sneeze). i don't have a skunk or i'd dramatize that one as well. after that she got cranky and i got tired and she yelled at me because i wouldn't let her play with scissors. mercifully, she fell asleep soon after (i had to read her the same 5 books *again*) and i went into the other room and read my own book-  matlock wasn't on.

i went home exhausted and didn't sleep well last night. i had a weird dream that missy was pregnant and had desiree and me accompany her to a birthing class in a church rec room. yes, missy pregnant and at church. then missy laughingly informed us that she wasn't pregnant, she just had a ball zipped under her hoodie. she simply wanted to infiltrate a birthing class ( i think she was drunk). more true to life, but still disturbing enough to mess with my rest. so, today i played sims until 5 PM and then worked on my crazy quilt for an hour. i've decided that its too freaking huge to quilt by machine, so i'm just tying it with yarn. that way i can get it done without screwing it up permanently. hopefully, someday a quilter with better equipment and more space will take it apart, realign it, and quilt it properly. that's what i think about while i'm tying the knots, anyway.  i just want it done.

unholy frittata

fall brings the past closer for me. something about the cooling air seems to make clear the back window of my mind, as if its been mud-smeared the entire year and has just now been wiped clean. people and places that have been partially forgotten, by a deliberate act or simply due to the passage of time, suddenly come to mind, begging to be discussed or enjoy a private audience in my thoughts. autumn also speaks of change and growth, the beginning of the new academic year, time to entertain new ideas and turn inwards toawards more intellectual pursuits. fall is the season of the mind- a time for thinking and remembering, learning from my own past and from the experience of others.

on one hand, i enjoy the increased capacity for concentration and deep thought seemingly magically sprung from chill air. on the other hand, i dread the dredging up of memories sometimes best forgot. often, by the end of autumn i am devasted, wrecked, and broken by events that could only be changed if time were to turn back as easily as mind. the past few years, however, i've come through strong. i feel like the proverbial clay vessel forged in the heat of a kiln, as though the fires that formerly consumed me now only serve to make me hard and beautiful. hopefully, this year will be the same and winter will find me burned clean, strength restored by the fires that sought to destroy me.