o the glorious

had a neurologist appointment today. he was nice, listened to all my symptoms, wrote things down, and didn't jump to any non-sensical diagnosis and engage in shenanigans. he wasn't able to give me a diagnosis at all, but i'd rather have no diagnosis than a false one. i also found out that i lost 4 pounds since last week. i've been eating plenty and not moving at all and i still lost weight and 4 pounds is a lot of weight to be losing in one week. generally people have to work pretty freaking hard to see those kind of results (i speak from experience). i don't like being this small. i feel insubstantial and i have the tiniest, most pathetic breasts. i haven't had boobs this small since i was 13. i pose this question: is that normal to lose one's boobs with weightloss? i kind of thought that the boobs you got at puberty were the ones you had forever, through thick and thin- so to speak. my boobs were twice as big as they are now when they stopped growing when i was 16, and i wasn't overweight then. so it wasn't just extra fat. i wasn't frightfully tiny like i am now, either, though. i guess i just want to know are my boobs coming back? and when? i kind of miss them. if they don't come back then there may be a video of me giving myself a boob job with a shaving razor and polyfil and/or water balloons coming to an internet near you. i'm having an MRI early next month. he said MS, but he didn't say i had MS. he also said my other doctor lied about my labs all being normal. i have an elevated something or another that means my immune system is being active. he said that might be an auto-immune disorder, or it might just be something genetic that won't cause me any problems, or it might just be active because i recently had an infection like salmonella. and my liver is doing something, too. not anything super-weird, also could be nothing.

my french fries say "Is it so wrong to think Arby's all the time?" on them. and the answer is yes. yes, it is wrong. deeply wrong. that would indicate an unhealthy obsession and possibly an eating disorder.  the bag says "I <3 pepper bacon" on it with a picture of a woman who i suspect has an abnormal romantic relationship with pepper bacon, based on the way she's looking at it. i'm trying to visualize that... ew... that's really greasy and might cause a rash. conclusion: the advertising strategists for Arby's need psychiatric help. immediately. or a lot of pig meat and a private room. closed curtains, please.

socks in heads

my roommate went on vacation this week, so i'm all alone until saturday night. i have declared a week-long buffy marathon. i've watched seasons 1, 2, 3, and half of 4 so far and am horribly bored and lonely. but i am developing a crush on Giles. also, i feel better from being so immobile. i still can't move around very much before i get bad again, but at least i can move *some* now. that's nice, but its making me restless. i should be out with drunk hooligans all night, not locked indoors, alone, with imaginary TV friends. or at least i should get to slay some zombies with a shovel. that looked like fun. i think i'm gonna go create some sims and then kill them off. that always makes me feel better.

yodler bog

i'm having a good day. i was even well enough to do some dishes and i've started my week-long buffy marathon *and* i got my first piece of hate mail!!!! hostility from a stranger. i must be famous.
i read a book about female anatomy and physiology from a feminist perspective over the past few days. i don't have very many unread books left on my shelf and one of them is about physics (eek!!). i'm reading the tori amos bio, piece by piece next. between episodes of buffy. i would be reading my textbooks but they're too damn heavy. i really want to brush up on my biology now that i have all this anatomy in my head. and everyone knows how i adore a modern history of western art... *le sigh*
in other news, i lost my phone and my roomie who has been caring for me went out of state for the week. so, i'm entirely on my own and i've been getting worse. i think it might have gone under the sofa, but i can't even imagine lifting furniture in my weakened condition. everyone wish me luck and happy thoughts.

a picture is worth 1,529 parakeets

my doctor called me today and told me that all my blood tests came back negative. she said that since she couldn't find anything wrong with me, she didn't want to see me anymore and that i should go to the emergency room and get checked in to the hospital for some vague "further testing". SHENANIGANS!!! i call shenanigans! my dad said that if she was any kind of competent doctor at all, she would have made arrangements for me to be checked in to a hospital instead of telling me to go to the emergency room and she would have been able to specify what kind of tests might be needed. he said we could file a complaint against her for patient abandonment. that's exactly what she did and exactly what she's been trying to do since i first went to see her. its her last week working at the clinic, so i guess she doesn't want to take on any new or difficult cases. Even so she could refer me to someone else instead of engaging in shenanigans.


i went to see the opthamologist today and he said he thinks my funny spots are being caused by optical migraines. they just make things look weird and don't hurt much. i've had that before, but it looked different so i didn't recognize it. he recommended that i go see a neurologist just to make sure because of my other fun new symptoms. i don't really want to talk about the new symptoms cause they sound scary but could just be temporary. i don't want to alarm anyone...or myself.

toffee maiden haberdashery

i have been sick for exactly one month today, so i thought i'd blog about something unrelated to illness: eels. it is incredibly hard to find information about eels because not much is known about them. it isn't as if people haven't tried studying them, either. they just don't want us to know their secrets. i have only ever found one book written about eels: Consider the Eel by  Richard Schweid. i bought it on super clearance discount at Hasting's. apparently no one in killeen appreciates how rare and wondrous eel knowledge is. i started reading the book last night and it made me nostalgic for the days when i used to keep eels. i had a 55 gallon tank containing two freshwater snowflake eels who both eventually escaped the tank and drowned on my floor while i was sleeping. i vowed never to keep eels again until i had learned something more about their keeping, not realizing that precious little information exists. i may never have eels again. even the book i found isn't about freshwater pet eels, like i had, but freshwater food eels like the kind in sushi. eels are also used in porn, especially sick sick japanese porn. those dirty bastards. also, in the movie The Cell, Jennifer Lopez stands in a bucket full of eels in one scene. those are the kind of eels i used to keep as pets. maybe someday i can have a lab filled with tanks and study eels and write my own book on their proper care and biology, but until that day i have my memories of my eels and how they used to swim: sinuous bodies undulating weightlessly like ribbons in the air.

tumultuous gumdrop

i've been really sick for the past 3 or 4 weeks. i had that peanut butter salmonella for a week, got better from that and then got something else. i've been trying to get an appointment to see a doctor for the past few weeks. i finally got in to see one today. she checked my heart and tested me for diabetes. when both those tests came back negative she gave me a pescription for motrin and sent me home. she didn't care to figure out what exactly is wrong with me, just as long as it isn't my heart and i'm not diabetic then i guess i'm okay, right? i mean, those are the only possible things that could be wrong with a person. no one ever gets cancer or thyroid disease or lupus or anything except cardiac disease or diabetes. right? right?! she did say that she thought i just had severe depression. this is complete and utter nonsensical bullshit. she said this because i've been losing hair and weight and my skin is peeling off and because i haven't left the house in several weeks. depressed people lose weight because of a loss of appetite. i, on the other hand, have a very large appetite. since i've been able to, i've been eating constantly- consuming at least 3 times as much food as i did prior to my illness and yet i still lose weight. depressed people don't leave the house because they don't want to- they simply lose interest in going outside or even come to dread it. i know this because i have been that depressed before and i've known people who were that depressed as well. right now i would like nothing better than to leave my home, to go outside, take my classes, even just walk around. i can't leave my house because i can barely stand and if i try to walk for too long i get dizzy and have to lie down. in her tentative diagnosis of 'severe depression' the doctor completely ignored my other symptoms, which could never be caused by depression no matter how severe- chest pains, dizziness, blurred vision, increased thirst ( i have to drink at least 2 gallons of water a day), slurred speech, the back prickles, disorientation, shortness of breath... and she called salmonella a virus. i throw up my hands and sigh, i sigh loudly and cringe. why do we even bother seeking health care anymore? its a pointless waste of resources. i'm going back on friday to see the results of the blood tests she sent out to check my kidneys, liver, and other vital organ functions. she said that if they come back all right then it must be depression. i think i may have my dad talk to her and convince her that no one in the history of psychiatry has ever been *that* depressed. perhaps then she'll be willing to do her job of giving me a correct diagnosis that accounts for all my symptoms and treating me for whatever illness i may have. somehow, i seriously doubt it.