punch holes

I'm a social conservative. I cry a lot because I'm under so much stress from the righteous anger I carry around. I'm also very poor because I have to spend nearly my entire paycheck buying grain to feed my moral high horse. But it's all worth it because at least I can get comfort from the fact that I'm better than everyone else. And they're all going to hell.

Oh, I am sooo bad. And weak! You remember my guy? The one I broke up with because he was being a buttmonkey? Well, he's all rehabby now and he came over on Friday to visit Hayley and I went to put to her to bed and it took forevvvvver and then I was so tired that I didn't want to drive him home so he spent the night and on Saturday, instead of taking him home like a good girl, I did things with him in bed a lot. like all day. and it was good. little pigs! why can't i stop loving him! (I mean emotionally, not figuratively/physically, like when ppl say love but they really mean fuck). Eh, maybe it will all work out and we'll live happily ever after or some bullshit like that. I'm trying to stop cursing because hayley is in repeater mode and I stopped drinking, too. I actually haven't had a drink in several months, but now I'm making a conscious decision. It's not just circumstantial anymore! Ha ha! I started a quilt for walternjean today. it's gonna be a charm quilt. that means that no two patches will be the same. since i moved out of my guy's apartment, i've suddenly got all this free time that i have no idea what to do with. before, i spent all my free time frantically trying to compensate for his over-laziness, like working and cleaning and studying. now i'm all alone and i don't really need to clean much anymore because i'm not as messy as he was and i'm only taking 14 hours this semester so studying isn't anything and i'm leeching off my parents, so no worky....

my guy is real nice when he's sober. and he's making an effort to mend his jerk ways. seriously. i'm allergic to the inside of popcorn bags, but not to the popcorn itself. isn't that weird?

my imaginary friends

Last week was spring break. I wrote three essays and did a lot of studying and also I read 4 library books and got a new callous from playing Sims too much. It's a nice brown one on my right wrist from where it rubs the mouse pad. And Hayley learned some new words "mechanic, Lisa, bobbin". She named all the chickens Bobbin. She thinks that's funny. I guess everything is okay. Yesterday the plumber guy came and put in new pipes so now I have real tap water! yay! I haven't had tap water in 5 months. I celebrated by cleaning my floor and then washing my hands. It was an exhillarating experience. The highlight of my week. And that's not just because of the pills. Tomorrow I will rinse out all my sinks and bathtubs and wipe off the counters. My cat leaves a thin layer of fur over every surface in the house, so the tubs and sinks have a layer in them. I don't know how she does that. It's almost like a sedimentary layer. Maybe if I dig a core sample I can tell something about my cat's history. Perhaps I have had too much geology. The test is coming up and I'm not quite studying, but thinking about it a lot. That's how I study. I imagine myself studying and then I read over my imaginary self's shoulder. See what her notes look like. I'm a big cheat! In other news, my elliptical trainer broke so I started doing Step instead and now my legs are all hard and manly. I haven't done Step since last summer when I took aerobics and all we did was Step for an hour twice a week. oh, and crunches. lots and lots of crunches. I have unwarranted happiness today. I think that may be just the pills. I took opiates once and I met a hippo and it was unspeakably lovely. That's what happens when you ask a drug dealer for tylenol.

urinal home

There's a leak under my sink and my dad cut off my water while he's trying to fix it. I never had actual drinakable, usable water before now, so i didn't think it would be a big deal, but at least I could flush the toilets before. Can't now. The water's been off for 4 days Leak not fixed, trash cans filled up with smelly tp and toilets full of smelly pp. My whole house reeks like a giant urinal. Like the times my ex boyfriend dragged me into the men's restroom to try and seduce me. its gross! and it didn't work, in case you were wondering. bunch of whizzing guys and guy taking a noisy crap kinda sucked the romance right out. I spent 9 hours locked in a car with an angry 3 year old today. I had to go to a museum and look at art so I could write a paper for my class. Sadly, all the really interesting art museums in Austin are closed until summer. I thought it would be a grand idea to go to san antonio with my mom and my daughter and check out the stuff they got there. I was wrong. Deadwrong! I-35 was blocked or constructed or accidental or something so it took 5 hours to get there and 4 hours to get back. We were so exhausted from car-not-moving we only wanted to stay about 30 minutes. it's been a long day. The book I brought with me was all sucky. I think it was supposed to be like Bridget Jones's Diary except without the wit and humor. It sucked moose's balls. by the way, i only read drivel and crap during the semester. don't like being introduced to too many new ideas at once, especially when being tested on some and not others... gets confusing. I was looking for something girly and lighthearted and was thwarted yet again. I think people who write grown-up books make them suck on purpose. I've had so much difficulty finding a good read since I graduated from the young adult section of the library. maybe i should go back. I'd probably suck up about 5 of them a week. too simple. I don't because I don't want the librarian to think I'm slow or something. Same reason I once bought my underwear a size too small. I had an attack of self-consciousness and just couldn't bear to have the cashier think i was fat. like she couldn't tell just from looking. Laughed about it later though. before i go to bed, the wedding pics are in. what did you want pics of, Mr. Hate and Candy? there are about 500 of them and I don't wanna be scanning forever. You want bride n groom professional pics, friends at reception pics.. lil bit o' everything? walter has them now, but when my mom gets them then i'll put them up on here. tired now

found

poetry i found while cleaning out my diaper bag:

Ten Forever
Before you walk you crawl.
Eleven times over
Pushed back.
He wants me behind the rest.
Easier to pick off the stragglers.
I can run forever
I can be faster than all
But I will never catch him
I will always crawl.
The pits and brambles
I'll repeat those to myself
And the truth will destroy me
Until there's nothing left.
Everyone wants it before 17
So I will stay here
In his dollhouse.
He is all pervasive
He is perverse.

In other news, my ex is in rehab. I hope he gets better. Then maybe I won't have to be so sad all the time. I'm in the middle of a Buffy drought. Someone checked out the last disc from season 6 and hasn't yet returned it to the library. I keep going in there trying to get season 7 discs, but somehow I always pick up the wrong one. Isn't that bizzarre? I went in for season 7 disc 3 and picked up disc 5 by accident so I brought it back and somehow ended up with season 5 disc 6. It wasn't mislabeled or anything. I just picked up the wrong one. But twice. So I'm abstaining from the Buffy and abusing the Sims.

turd sandwich!

This is kind of a crappy week. I didn't do my essay about the East African Rift Valley. Gonna leave it for Spring Break. Played with my Sims a lot. That's what I do when I don't like life. i miss my guy. He was an ass and I'm probably better off without him because I don't think he was ever gonna change, but it was nice to have him around. He used to come over and talk to me and help me watch Hayley. She really likes him. Everything is so quiet now. He's the only one that ever called me. My mom just out of nowhere asked me if I want to go to A&M after I get my associates. I don't know if she's serious because before she kept saying that they can't afford college. I always thought I'd really like that but now I'm not so sure. I'd have to leave my baby with my parents and I'm not sure I can trust them. My dad keeps threatening to sue me for custody everytime I do something he doesn't like. Like when I got a B on my paper. He's a big ass. And my mom used to steal my child support when I got it. She forged my signature for a lousy $70! But it might be worth it. I mean, I don't really want to work for $7 an hour for the rest of my life, especially if I'm going to be a single parent. I'll probably go. Hey, it would help a lot if somebody would tell me not to go back to my guy. That would make me feel better.

the end

I broke up with my guy last night. We've been together for four years and we have a baby, but I broke up with him over the phone. Was that bad? I was thinking it was, but I didn't want to drive over to his place so late cause he lives right near the crack whores. I'm glad I did though. He was all stinking drunk. He's not always nice when he's drunk and me yelling at him could have brought out his not-niceness. He stole my credit card and charged up over a thousand dollars on it in one month. At 20% interest. Twenty percent! I was so excited yesterday when I got the bill cause I've been saving every little penny for the past month, thinking I could finally pay it off and I could've if someone hadn't been adding to my balance. Bastard! Then he wanted to pretend like it was no big deal. He said he'd pay me back. He never pays anything back. He has horrible credit. I'm still mad. I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. Maybe its a delayed reaction. I have those sometimes. I just hope he wasn't so drunk that he forgot that I broke up with him and I have to do it all over again. I still have to see him because he has visitation. That'll be awkward.