zebras always fall

again, i have finished some quilts. i had the flu pretty much the whole time i've been working on these (3 weeks now) so they're kind of screwed up. but that's okay cause i was just making them for me and they look fine from the front so no one ever has to know. i won't tell if you don't. these are all pieced from old t-shirts and quilted by machine in a freehand design we quilters usually call "stippling". i like to think of it as a thread scribble. okay, pictures:

Shirty 1

 that's the only one that has fluff in the middle. i decided not to fluff the middles of the others cause i'm using them as wallhangings. they could possibly be used as baby quilts eventually if one of my friends ever has a baby and doesn't mind if their crib blanket has a picture of a vargas pin-up girl on it or says bitch on it.

Shirty 2

Shirty 3

 that's all for now. i have two more i'm working on that should be done sometime next month. please, flu, leave already.

pointy stick for your convenience

i'm reading the book that my library categorizes as kurt vonnegut's biography and it keeps making me cough (which is how i laugh when i have the flu). its mostly new stuff, but i recognize some of these bits from his other books. here's one that i really liked from God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian and i kept wishing i'd copied it down when i was reading that book and now it seems i have been given a second chance:

"Why are so many people getting divorced today? It's because most of us don't have extended families anymore. It used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got a lot more pals to tell dumb jokes to.

A few Americans, but very few, still have extended families. The Navahos, the Kennedys.
But most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person. The groom gets one more pal, but its a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but its a man.
When a couple has an argument nowadays, they may think its about money or power or sex or how to raise the kids or whatever.  What they are really saying to each other, though without realizing it, is this: "You are not enough people!"

A husband, a wife, and some kids is not a family. Its a terribly vulnerable survival unit."

and on why he's upset that smoking didn't kill him:

"The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick, and Colon."

*cough* *hack* *cough*    *splutter* *cough*

a sandbag becomes a spring

last blog, i posted the first two steps of the yogic eightfold path as described in my meditation book: the yamas (abstentions) and niyamas (observances). so, naturally this blog will contain the next 6 folds. didn't want to leave you in suspense. again, i have paraphrased mightily:

3. asana (body control): practicing yoga postures (or exercising) to keep your body strong and flexible so you can sit for long periods of time in meditation without your bodily discomfort causing a distraction. Also, yoga positions can be used as a form of "moving meditation" when your mind is fully focused on the positions.

4. pranayama (breath control): prana, the force of life that animates all living things can be taken in and replenished through the breath. Breath can also be the focus of a meditation.

5. pratyahara (detachment): learning to suppress the senses to minimize outside distractions during meditation.


6. dharana (concentration): focusing your full attention on a single point- a sight, sound, smell, or thought.

7. dhyana (meditation): going beyond concentraion and learning to quiet the mind and free it from preconceptions, illusions, and attachments.

8. samadhi (pure consciousness): an indescibable state of absolute bliss, nirvana, or enlightenment. this is the ultimate goal of meditaion for many, but even if you never reach this state, meditation can still be very rewarding.

and as long as we're all here and i have the book with me, here is the buddhist eightfold path (as described in the same book) to contrast and compare. i mostly just copied these ones:

1. Right Understanding: this step involves seeing life as impermanent and full of suffering, understanding the nature of existence and the moral law, and understanding the cycle of reincarnation that continues until the seeker has attained enlightenment.

2. Right Thought: this step requires that the mind be kept free from sensual desire, cruelty, and negative thinking. also, the mind should be ready to disregard anything that hinders its progress toward enlightenment, a single-mindedness toward liberation.

3. Right Speech: this step means not lying, gossiping, or speaking harshly of anyone. behind this step is the philosophy that thought and action are inseperable. what you speak, you will eventually live. right speech shouldn't be too loud or passionate or arouse the emotions of others. it should be calm, straightforward, sincere, unprejudiced, and kind.

4. Right Action: this step has five sub-steps:

1) Do not kill, but instead practice love and nonviolence (like in the yogic, some take it to mean vegetarianism)
2) Do not steal, but instead be generous.
3) Practice self control and do not abuse the senses (interpreted as 'Do not be unchaste' in my other book).
4) Do not lie, but instead speak with sincerity and honesty.
5) Do not drink alcohol or take intoxicating drugs, but instead be restrained and mindful.
5. Right Livelihood or Vocation: only pursue an occupation that is just, nonviolent, and not misleading to others. jobs that are traditionally viewed as "wrong living": arms dealing (including soldiers), slave trading, flesh trading (prostitution or selling meat; includes hunters and fishermen), selling intoxicating drink, selling poisons, or anything to do with financial greed. making money isn't the problem, just the selfish motivation. instead, the seeker of enlightenment should look for ways to serve humankind.

6. Right Effort: this step means working toward a better self by attempting to keep wise thoughts, words, and deeds in the forefront of the mind, while attempting to banish unhealthy or unwise thoughts, words, and deeds.


7. Right Mindfulness: keep constantly alert and aware of the state of the body, the emotions, the mind, and the intellect. mindfulness is thought to keep the seeker from being led astray by untruth. this is also a form of "living meditation" in which the intellect is kept active in order to make the seeker more in-tune with the true nature of reality.

8. Right Concentration: the goal of this step is to be able to concentrate so wholly and completely on a  single object so that all desire is overcome and true knowledge of the object is attained. With practice, right concentration can be attained and the five hindrances -sensuality, ill will, lethargy, restlessness and worry, and skeptical doubt- can be overcome. Eventually, the seeker will find the way to pure consciousness, or nirvana.

flox

something i thought worth copying out of my book on meditation. these are the first two steps (or folds?) of the yogic eightfold path (as opposed to the buddist eightfold path). i paraphrased a bit:

1. Yamas: things that are helpful to avoid
1) ahimsa (do no harm/ nonviolence): avoid violence in your words, actions, and even your thoughts. That includes controlling your temper and not physically harming people, but it can also include avoiding negative thoughts about others or even yourself. Not eating meat is a component of this yama for many yogis because to eat meat is to be complicit in the killing of an animal.
2) satya (do not lie/truthfulness): This involves more than avoiding the big lies; it also means being truthful about the little things like not telling a secret you promised to keep. Truthfulness builds character and personal integrity.
3) asteya (do not steal): The third yama is about refusing to steal whether that means a candy bar, a million dollars, or somebody else's great idea.
4) brahmacharya (chastity/nonlust): This yama is about holding the opposite sex (*ahem* or same sex!) in high esteem and only joining physically with your partner when you can do so virtuously, in a committed and loving relationship of mutual respect. It also means rejecting casual sex and sex solely for physical pleasure.
5) aparigraha (nongreed): Reject a materialistic way of thinking and living. It's about simplicity and learning to live only on what you need. Greed can manifest itself in other ways too: monopolizing conversations, jealousy, and dissatisfaction with your place in the world (<--doesn't mean you can't have aspirations, means cultivate satisfaction with unchangeable aspects of your life.)

2. Niyamas: things that are helpful to do
1) shauca (purity): maintain a study of the sacred texts to inspire and teach you.
2) santosha (contentment): Find happiness with what you have and who you are. This doesn't mean you can't improve yourself, but it does mean re-evaluating the obstacles in your path as opportunities and taking full responsibility for your own life.
3) tapas (discipline): Doing anything on a daily basis to improve your health is disciplined.  Like practicing yoga, doing aerobics, controlling your temper, and doing daily chores. Dicipline isn't easy, but the more you cultivate it, the easier all the other yamas and niyamas will become.
4) svadhyaya (self-study): Pay attention to who you are, what you do, how you feel and think, and what you believe. Do you act according to your beliefs? If not, are they really your beliefs, or do you have others you hadn't realized? Self-study can also involve shauca (studying the sacred texts to inspire and guide you).
5) ishvara-pranidhana (devotion): Focus on the divine, whatever that means to you. It doesn't mean you have to be religious or even believe in a God (or Goddess), although that could be one meaning. It can also mean letting go of your ego and self-focus and looking outward to the highest ideal, or having a devotion to life itself.

the smiley face parade

i just got done watching Sicko- the movie i was avoiding because i felt that in my current situation it would be too upsetting. yes, it was upsetting, but it brought home two important points:

1. it is not just people like me who are poor and uninsured that are being denied healthcare. everyone in this country (except maybe the rich and high-profile) is at risk of having what happened to me happen to them. Everyone.

2. i'm not going to die because i'm poor or because i was uninsured. i'm not being denied care because of something i did like having a poor diet or not taking vitamins or having premarital sex or not getting enough sleep or because i was depressed as a teenager or any of the other reasons my "doctors" have come up with for justifying their negligence. i'm going to die because i'm an american. not in spite of it, Because of it. and solely because i'm an american.

i don't know if michael moore is completely right. i don't know if the healthcare systems in other countries are so much better, but based on my own experience and the experience of anyone i know who has ever been ill, i do know that this system does not work. it is unfair to everyone: the citizens rich or poor, the doctors, the nurses, the pharmacists... everyone. and it has to stop.
hopefully, if we all vote for hillary clinton she'll be able to set things right. but if she doesnt' get elected, or if her system takes time to implement (and when you're fighting an illness that could kill you at whim, time is of the essence) or if any number of other impediments occur, what then? mass exodus to canada? we, the people, are strong and we hold more power than we think. i still say its up to us as individuals to come together and master our fear and demand our human dignity.
i want to know: where are the new leaders for social change?
when is the movement starting and how do i get there?

salami indy?

From http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/USAmeredith.htm:
"James Meredith was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi, on 25th June, 1933. While attending Jackson State College (1960-62) Meredith attempted to become the first African American to gain admission to the University of Mississippi.

Twice rejected in 1961, Meredith filed a complaint with the district court on 31st May 1961. Meredith's allegations that he been denied admission because of his colour was rejected by the district court. However, on appeal, the Fifth Judicial Circuit Court reversed this ruling. By a 2 to 1 decision the judges decided that Meredith had indeed been refused admission solely because of his race and that Mississippi was maintaining a policy of educational segregation.

Meredith's admission to the University of Mississippi was opposed by state officials and students and the Attorney General, Robert Kennedy, decided to send federal marshals to protect Meredith from threats of being lynched. During riots that followed Kennedy's decision, 160 marshals were wounded (28 by gunfire) and two bystanders were killed.

Despite this opposition, Meredith continued to study at the University of Mississippi and successfully graduated in 1964. Meredith's account of this experience at the university, Three Years in Mississippi was published in 1966."
What this article doesn't say is that previously, while James Meredith was in the Air Force he saw a counsellor about his anxieties concerning racial tensions. Whenever he heard or read or thought about an episode of racial tension he would experience extreme nervousness and sometimes get an upset stomach. While some people would bow to their fear and try to insulate themselves from exposure to those kinds of situations,  he did not.

And not only did he find a way to master his fear and stand up to an unjust system instead of hiding under a rock, he did it alone. While many individuals going into potentially volatile situations would enlist the help of a Civil Rights organization beforehand, James Meredth did not. He began his mission all on his own without any outside assistance or support; just one man against the system.

To look back on it now, it reads like destiny. Well, of course he was successful. Of course they let him into school. Of course things turned out all right. He was in the right, wasn't he? How could it have turned out any other way? But that isn't how it was. Plenty of people fought on the side of good and were defeated. There was no prophecy saying that just because they loved God and stood up for themselves they would be protected. He could have just as easily ended up like Clyde Kennard who tried to enter Mississippi Southern College at Hattiesburg and was thrown off the campus. Shortly after, he was accused and convicted of stealing 5 bags of chicken feed and sent to jail. While in jail, he developed cancer and wasn't released until shortly before his death. 

All that Clyde Kennard and James Meredith wanted was an education, a chance at a better life. There were no guarantees for either of them and each of them risked their lives and liberties and overcame untold fear and hatred in the name of justice and equality. People are still risking their lives and liberties to promote equality and create better lives for all of us. Until all humans are free, none of us is free. As long as there is still unfair discrimination of any kind in the world, then all of us are oppressed. Movements and Organizations are invaluable, but ultimately it is the responsibility of the individual to stand up to oppression, wherever and whenever it is encountered, to do the right thing in the name of humanity without allies, and without assurances until we can truly be free of the invisible chains that our culture and our history wrapped around us at birth.

flying around like a bacon crucible

Game Over.

I saw my last doctor a few days ago. No, I haven't been cured or even diagnosed. I simply reached the end of the list of doctors that my insurance will approve.

Half the so-called doctors I saw acknowledged that there was something very wrong in my body, but claimed they were not the right person to fix it. The other half tried to convince me that there wasn't anything wrong at all and so there was nothing they could be expected to do either. Some of them lied to me about test results, some of them made up lies about me and wrote them as fact in my medical record. Then they and my subsequent "doctors" used these lies as justification for denying me healthcare. I stand by my initial assertion that seeking medical help is a waste of time and resources (I hate being right).

What will I do? The only thing I can do: try to make the best of the time I have left (however long that may be) and use this crippled, compromised body to the best of my ability while I still can; keep thinking, keep reading, keep quilting. Maybe another opportunity for recovery will present itself, maybe it won't. Recovery or death, I have to prepare either way.

Part of me is still shocked and disbelieving. How could this happen? How can discrimination and irresponsibility be so rampant in the Best Country on Earth? How could this possibly happen to me and the thousands of other Americans struggling against the healthcare system? I only wanted what was promised:

Life, Liberty, The Pursuit of Happiness.

Was I asking too much?

cardboard carcass

everytime i read a vonnegut book i wish i could just copy and paste the whole thing into my blog to share with all you lovely people. i started reading these in may and he's quickly becoming one of my favorite authors. his stories are metaphors for politics and religion, social commentary, but even when he strongly disagrees with an idea, he's never angry, always funny. go now to your library and check out one of his books, any of his books (they're all good). i know not everyone will like him as much as i do (or at all), but i think everyone should give him a  chance.

obligatory excerpt:

"People talk a lot about all the homosexuals there are to see in Greenwich Villiage, but it was all the neuters that caught my eye that day. These were my people- as used as I was to wanting love from nowhere, as certain as I was that almost anything desirable was likely to be booby-trapped.
I had a fairly funny idea. Someday all we neuters would come out of our closets and form a parade. I even decided what banner our rank should carry, as wide as Fifth Avenue. A single word would be printed on it in letters four feet high:

EGREGIOUS.

Most people think that word means terrible or unforgivable. It has a much more interesting story than that to tell. It means "outside the herd."

Imagine that- thousands of people, outside the herd."