ziiiiip!

all the rats have respiratory infections now and they're all on amoxycillan antibiotics. except for the babies who supposedly get it through their mother's milk.. but they don't seem very sick anyways, so i'm just keeping an eye on them for now. today my naughty boy samuel leapt straight up out of his cage and snuck into his neighbor's cage. his neighbor is a girl rat named aurelia who is still settling in and doesn't have any pics up yet. but now we'll be expecting more baby ratties in about 23 days. *sigh* bad bad samuel!

my mom wants to cut hayley's hair because hayley refuses to wear barretes or hair ties of any kind and it keeps getting in her face, food, the dirt, etc... i'm okay with getting her hair cut. i'm thinking it might curl up again if its shorter. problem is we don't know any good kid hairstyles that won't make her look ridiculous. does anyone have a clue? or any suggestions on where we could look for ideas? besides the magazines in the salon waiting room. we want a little more time to mull over our decision thoroughly before getting that close to scissors.

corm

bordois died yesterday from pneumonia. her lungs filled up with fluid and she suffocated while i was holding her in the car, on our way to a vet appointment. she was special because she was a blue rat with dumbo ears and tame when i got her, which is very rare for a petstore rat. we are burying her today in the pet cemetery. and then i'm taking my other rats to the vet because respiratory diseases in rats are very common and dangerous.

she's gathering sunshine dust now. :(

the last time

when i went to bed on the night of february 15th with a temperature of 101.5 degrees F, i thought i was a college student with the flu. i didn't get out of bed for two weeks the first time, and then i was right back in bed a few days later. i wasn't able to walk unassisted until last month, and i'm still feeling the ever-lessening (i hope) echoes of my original illness. i look back on this and it astonishes me that this was ME. i just can't wrap my head around it.

i used to be a gym addict, minimum 3 hours of cardio, weights, and stretching 6 days a week, and at least an hour of yoga on my "off day". now i'm addicted to rats. i'd like to say that i was a model student when i fell ill, hardcore into academia, but that's not true. the reality is that i was burnt-out, over-stressed, and bored. now i study what i want when i want and honestly, i'm not sure i want to go back to the monotony of structured lessons. sure, i miss it sometimes, but more because it gave me a purpose and helped me keep track of time than because it was stimulating me intellectually.

other things in my life have changed: i've lost some friends and made some new ones. to the friends that have stood by me, on-line and in rl, i give you my deepest, dolphin-safe, not stip-mined gratitudes. to my new friends: thank you so much for giving me your time and penny well-wishes and caring enough about me, a stranger, to treat me like a fellow human being. to the "friends" who have been assholes to me, Fuck You in the ass with an over-large, hopefully spiked, syphilis-infected cock. may you become suddenly allergic to all your favorite foods and be forced to work in customer services with angry rednecks for the rest of your days without benefits, but with a bad case of piles! *ptooey* (yeah, i get angry sometimes)

what have i learned from all this? well, never to eat suspect peanut butter sandwiches for starters... and i've learned that not all doctors and medical professionals are bad people with hidden agendas, although, i still believe most of them are and will continue to rant on this subject whenever given the opportunity... but it gives me hope to know a few good eggs still exist, if you can only find them (hey, an easter metaphor!) i've also learned that maybe my parents aren't quite as self-involved and horrible as i thought, "maybe" and "quite" being the operative words here. maybe they're just stressed out and broken down from living in this shitty town for so long and having to deal with so much crap. and maybe, just maybe, i should try treating them with respect and helping them when i can instead of returning their bitchiness and assholery when they send it my way. or maybe the fever damaged my brain. *shrug* i've also learned that i can't see the future. i used to think i could see a long stretch of gray, lifeless days in a straight line in front of me from here to the grave. but that can be changed in an instant for the better or worse. (ooo was that a marriage metaphor?)

what's in my future? didn't you just read the last part about unpredicatability?! ...j/k... i'm planning on just concentrating on getting well and getting on with my life as planned whether i ever figure out what's wrong with me or not. i'll learn to live with it and maybe someday i'll put the puzzle together and find a complete cure to all my medical conundrums, and maybe i won't. time marches forward like a row of little fascists, each one more hopped-up on self-importance than the last. i'm not much for ass-sitting and i've had more than enough recently. i just want to get out and do something (didn't i write an abstract blog about this awhile back?) maybe i won't ever get to do what i planned, but i have to find peace in my life and i have to find purpose or i'll fade.

sorry for being so gooey and introspective, but i was meditating and had to clear my head before i could accept any sort of positive energies (oooo now i'm being gooey, introspective, and new-agey! do i get a prize?). and i keep getting this feeling like what if i die? what if this thing i have kills me and i have so much unfinished, unsaid. those of you who know me in rl know that i'm very quiet, shy, and a little bitchy and strange. i want to come clean and tell you that its all about fear. i'm afraid of so many things and that's why i am the way i am. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i want to get to a place where i can have a, well, not normal, but acceptable life. one that i could be satisfied with if i was to suddenly drop dead. i guess i've found my new year's resolution finally.

ok.. now back to the yoga mat.

the other cars are just a state of mind

had my EEG today. they wanted me sleep-deprived, so i got 2 hours of sleep. i get really sick with less than four hours. so i showed up at the hospital stumbling, nauseous, light-headed, and already having my seizure/convulsions at 9:15 am. i continued having them all during the registration and payment, then into the main lobby where i had to wait an hour while they tried to correct some "technical difficulties" and still had them when i went back to have the EEG around 10:30 am. i had them while the tech was gluing sensors to my head and getting her machine ready. i was worried they would stop before we got finished with all the waiting and preparation and then she would be unable to take a good reading of what one does to my brain. does it affect brain waves (indicating seizure) or just muscle (indicating movement disorder)? but no, i kept having them during the test, too.
the test was unpleasant. not horrible, but not much fun. i had to hyperventilate (made me convulse) and then go to sleep which i couldn't do on command even though i was exhausted. then i had to close my eyes while a bright strobe light flashed in my face. that's the part i liked the least. some of the strobes made me convulse and that was very uncomfortable. with the hyperventilation, at least i could've stopped it if i'd really wanted to before she said "time". but with the lights, i already had my eyes closed and when i convulse i lose control of my arms, so i couldn't raise a hand to block the light either. ryan was there and he said when the lights made me twitch, all the little bars on the screen went really really high. we don't know what that means exactly, and won't until the doctor interprets it for me on the 23rd of may. but at least now i know that some lights make my bars go high.
when i got home, i had to take a really long shower and wash all the glue out of my hair. and guess what? i'm still having seizures. so, sleep deprivation and brakkie don't mix. remember that.
tomorrow, my dad is taking me to austin to buy ingredients for me to make my own rat food with. and the baby ratters will be one week old!! i got a peek of them today by bribing their mom, penny, with a hard-boiled egg. they have soft little rat fuzz and color patterns. if she would let me i would pick them up and cuddle them and see if they are boys or girls. i won't cause i don't want to upset penny, not when she's just starting to warm up to me. she's extremely curious about my hand, especially now that she knows it brings the food. she licks me and nibbles me and stands on my hand with her front paw to sniff my arm. she even lets me pet her a tiny bit sometimes. i'm not going to even try to pick her up until she lets me pet her a lot. that may be awhile, but i have plenty of time.

all the way towel

i got my MRI results today. normal. perfectly and completely normal. i almost cried. i'm just so tired of being sick and i had this little scene all planned where the doctor would say it was guillain barre....  guillain barre is a nice little neurological disorder that people get after they've had a massive infection and their immune system gets confused and starts attacking the myelin sheaths around their nerve cells. it generally lasts for a few weeks until the myelin is replaced and then it goes away and usually never comes back. and there's a treatment to speed it on its way. at least its not MS or a tumor or something fatal. i just want to know what this is so i can know what to expect. is it gonna go away on its own? will it go away and come back? what the fuck is wrong with me? i grow weary of playing Mystery Diagnosis, the home game. it's really not as much fun as it sounds. my overall health trend is towards better-ness, at least, but now i've started having weird seizure-like convulsions. i have them everyday and they make me hesitant to go places even though i'm physically able now. i just don't want to do that in public.. at that thrashing and i make these strange grunty noises. its embarrassing. so i have to go in for an EEG now to see if i'm having seizures or what my doctor calls a "movement disorder"... will it never end?

but, in happier news... one of the feeder rats my roommate got for his snake was pregnant and he let me keep it. it had 9 little rat babies. omg they are so cute! i love rats. i call the mommy rat penny. she's sweet and non-bitey. not tame yet, but we're making gradual progress. i found a recipe to mix my own rat food using cereal, dry fruit, soy nuts, and dog food. its gonna be a hoot! yeah, i do have a lot of time on my hands...

not actually a minefield

i want to be drunk. its not fair i have to be sick and not drunk! haven't i been through enough already? does the universe have to conspire to deny me alcohol as well as happiness? not fair not fair not fair!!
but i want to take this opportunity to thank my roommate, ryan, for being nice to me. he lives here, but he doesn't have to be here. he has a barracks he could bail out and flee to anytime, and yet he is here day after day, putting up with my shit and taking care of me even when i'm a whiny bitch. (i'm allowed to call myself a bitch, but you aren't. that's how it works). he's saved my life at least twice since i've been ill, not sure if i should be grateful for that, yet. have to wait to see what my diagnosis is... but it means he's a decent human being and a good friend. and he deserves recognition. everyone applaud ryan, now. say "good show, old man" and wear a monocle. now. thanks.