vitamins for leprechauns

last night i couldn't get to sleep because my brain wouldn't shut up. it kept making me think about things, from the trivial to the horrifying and back. i'd like to share one of the things my brain keeps bringing up cause it kind of suprised me. i first had this thought right after i'd realized that its a possibility that i might die. that was another thing that popped into my head "hey, if these doctors continue to be worthless idiots you are going to die, you know" (gee, thanks for the pep talk, brain). i was on my way out somewhere and i stepped out the front door and looked at the sky and i was overwhelmed by the feelings of loss i had.... for the sky. if i die, will i ever get to see the sky again?

not my daughter (although she came next) or my family or my pets or any of the things that mean so much to me now... the sky... its mystifying. it wasn't just a fluke, either,  because the thought keeps coming back. the sky, the sky, the sky. what's your fucking obsession with the sky, you worthless piece of pink and gray matter? why can't you just let it go? and why does the thought hurt me so much? i've never been a "sky person". never been fascinated by weather or wind or stars or sun or even sunsets. when people would say things like "look at that beautiful sky", their eyes shining with wonder, i'd mumble something like "yeah, is kinda pretty" and go on with whatever i was doing. so why is it becoming quickly apparent that the sky, out of everything else, is the thing i will miss most if i have to pass on?