chocolate marble gun

i'm reading this book about a woman who is married to a really angry, sarcastic, horrible man and she wants to divorce him because he makes her so miserable. she wishes that he would change and that all his "bile" would be drained out of him, and then he goes away to visit a healer for the weekend and when he comes back, he is completely changed. he's not angry or sarcastic or rude or hateful anymore. and she still hates him and wants a divorce because now he's too good and he makes her feel bad.
right now, in the book, he's organizing a campaign to convince 10 of his neighbors to let  homeless teens live in their spare bedrooms for 6 months. i was just thinking how cool that would be to have a homeless teen come live with me. then i wouldn't have to be alone all the time and i might even be able to convince him or her to clean up a little or fix things around the house. it would be especially cool if this homeless teen could drive to the store and buy my groceries for me or take me to my doctor's appointments. do homeless teens like buffy? does anyone know?

things haven't been very good the past week. it got bad again *the very day* that ryan left. like i-probably-should-have-gone-to-the-ER bad, but i wasn't about to ask ryan to stay another day or two just to take me to the ER, not after he'd worked so hard and waited so long to finally be leaving killeen. and killeen is a suck-pit; it doesn't like people to leave and if you let it, it'll just suck you right back in. so i let him go and i've started taking narcotics again to deal with the pain. i'm on drugs right now, actually. i've also started doing internet research on my symptoms again and what i've found is very disturbing. i've found two things that i think i may have: one is polycystic ovary syndrome which could be causing most, if not all, of my symptoms and not just the bad bad things i've had this year, but other undiagnosed health problems i've had for the past 14 years as well. the second thing i think i may have is even more disturbing because, while PCOS is tricky to diagnose sometimes and isn't terribly common (present in 10% of women), the other thing i think i may have is more common, very dangerous, and i'm presenting textbook, clear-cut symptoms. like i have word-for-word exactly the symptoms listed on all the info pages i could find about it. everything.


its peritonitis- a bacterial infection and inflammation of the lining of the abdominal cavity. usually requires emergency surgery and can be fatal if left untreated. i've been having symptoms since march and the first doctor (the shenanigans quack doctor) i went to see told me that i was having a panic attack.. a panic attack that lasted for 3 days and involved no feeling of panic. right. the second doctor i told about it (the ER doc in may) said that it wasn't my heart, so not to worry... cause any sort of chest or abdominal pain that isn't your heart is completely benign and will go away on its own, right? the third doctor i told (the stupid cunt doctor i had in the hospital) said that it was bedsores, without even examining me, and scolded me for not walking around more. bedsores? aren't bedsores like *sores* though? what does that have to do with anything?

all three of these doctors were associated with scott and white. i always knew that metroplex was bad, but i thought scott and white doctors were supposed to have at least some competency. i'm beginning to think that all the doctors in this area, instead of going to actual medical school, are just given a course on "how to act professional" out of a portable building over the weekend. i mean, even if i don't have peritonitis or PCOS, there is still something very very wrong and no one seems to care enough to find out what it is. they won't take me seriously and they keep just sending me home, unhealed. they're perfectly happy to let me suffer and die, as long as i pay them. i'm feeling very frustrated, scared, and hopeless right now, but i'm still going back for more. on friday i'm going to the scott and white clinic to see a doctor i saw once before. she seemed nice and i hope she took the course on how to listen as well as the one about acting professional. maybe she even took the course on being intelligent or at the very least the one called "how to do internet reasearch and make it look like real work". if she won't help me i'll either have to move to canada or kill myself cause i've been to see just about every doctor available to me on my insurance... unless i want to see a dentist or a psychiatrist and ask them if they happen to know anything about ovaries or abdominal cavities. wish me luck. i'll let you know how it goes.

editor's note: i was later diagnosed with polycystic ovaries