preliminary defense: conjunctivitis

my dad drove me to central market in austin to get ingredients for rat food again. while we were there i picked up some cherries, cheese, and crackers. central market is the rockingest grocery store evar. they have this big refrigerated cheese U. its like a tri-sided cheese extravaganza. i know a lot of you reading this are probably snickering because in the cities you come from the economy is booming and every grocery store has at least 3 walls of cheese, if not 4 or 6, but where i come from (shittown) everyone is poor and eats Kraft. so, its a thrill for me to see so many cheeses, many of which i've only read about in books or seen on television. kind of like a celebrity cheese sighting. i got brie, smoked gouda, and tilamook cheddar. and these weird crackers which turned out to have fennel and sesame and poppy seeds on them and are the greatest brie crackers in teh werld. yes, i ate the cheese and crackers and the cherries (way too delicious to describe here) and i was soundly punished by my digestive system for it....

you hear that sound? the rumbly noise with the beeping? maybe an anguished bull lowing in the far background? that's right, its the sound of a super-deluxe truck of cow testicles being delivered right to my door courtesey of my doctor's office. she was wrong about the acid reflux. i took the prilosec for the first few days with no incidence and after maybe the third day i started having sharp razor-like tummy pains minutes after i took it. then i got really bad indigestion and a lot of nausea on top of the hideous pain in my upper abdomen that i was having before. so, she has not only misdiagnosed me, but she has actually managed to make my condition worse. but, never fear, i think i know what might be wrong with me. it is my belief that the angry spirit of a former top model has taken up residence in my digestive tract. that's right, my guts are haunted. she will not rest until i, like a lab rat, develop an aversion to eating after being exposed to negative stimuli. it is her goal to make me as gaunt as she was in her life and possibly even to have me recreate her death via anorexia. no wonder my doctor is so useless! what good could she possibly do against this diabolical plotter from the netherworld? i'll be sure to ask her for a referral to an exorcist at my next appointment on august 3rd... if its not too late.