the appointment had mixed results. the np did what i thought she'd do, which is that she said "this is way out of my league, you need to see a doctor". but i explained to her that i've seen many many doctors over the past 6 months and none of them have done even one thing for me, so she said she'd send all my information over to the doctor she works with (the one who delivered hayley) and see if that doctor can help. she also said that i should really see an endocrinologist. well, DUH!! i've been saying that since march, but no one listens to me cause i'm just an unedumacated trailer-trash, welfare mom on medicaid. (i'm really starting to resent stereotyping.. grrr..) i feel as though i've put my problems into a bottle and flung the bottle out to sea. now all i can do is sit and wait for the right person to read the bottle's contents and try to get back to me. this appointment i just had could be the catalyst to getting me genuine medical care from an actual doctor, or it could just get me right back where i started. at least she didn't accuse me of lying, call me names, or shout at me. she really did show what appeared to be genuine concern and she acted as though she would be willing to help me in any way possible... so, it could've been worse. fuck, i'm tired of waiting and watching my body deteriorate, watching my life deteriorate around me with no way to halt, pause, or reverse the damage. no means to salvage what is left, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the symptoms to plunge me back into my pillow-top hell or release me into the world again at their whim. how does one navigate a life like this? is this even a life? i can't plan for the future because i don't know what the future holds or if there's even going to be a future. and i can't live for today because today there's nothing worth living for. so, i'll remain in my gray state, waiting. waiting for the ring of salvation, or waiting for death. its strange, but i can barely discern between the two.
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