blanket girls

i hate my mother.

i was trying to ask her which hospital we're going to now that we've quit scott and white, and she thinks its best if we just take whichever hospital is most convenient- not the hospital that has the best resources or the most competent doctors, but just whatever quack-factory is within reasonable driving distance. she seems to believe that all that is needed to make progress towards a diagnosis is nagging. "if we keep harassing them, eventually they'll help." no matter that they are incapable of helping, nevermind that they are large corporations who don't give a shit about one human life, especially if that human doesn't have adequate insurance. she just doesn't comprehend that these are not reasonable individuals and they have the ability to ignore and deny care to whomever they please, no matter how much nagging is involved.

she reminded me that she is, in fact, older than me and has had more experience with getting medical care, citing the example of how she forced doctors to treat my great-granddad. she's completely ignoring the fact that my great granddad, while under her care, was subjected to several medical tests and procedures gone awry which caused him more suffering than if he'd just stayed home. not to mention that my great granddad DIED from complications after nag-induced surgery. granted, he was an old man and nearing his time anyway, but i still don't believe that nagging and shaming incompetent doctors into helping you makes them any more competent, and i certainly don't believe that nagging and shaming competent-yet-unwilling doctors into helping you is going to get you any sort of quality care.

its bad enough that the doctors ignore me, but my own mother has also been ignoring my opinions of the doctors. i have been trying to tell her since my very first sppointment in march when Dr. Shenanigans confused a virus with a bacteria that scott and white is a waste of time. my mother maintains that as long as she's having to make the appointments and drive me to them then she'll pick the doctors. she, like the doctors themselves, refuses to allow for the possibility that i might know something she doesn't. that if i say a doctor is shit, then they might actually be shit, that at the end of the day its me, not her, not them, who has to live in this body and it is me and only me, who knows everything about this illness. i don't care how old she is or how many years of school they went through, i am still the ultimate authority on me.

my mother is turning into one of them, and the worst part is that she is the only one helping me. she is my only ally, but she's a double-agent. i am completely alone in this; walking into battle crippled and utterly helpless with no one to back me up. and no one is coming.