the last time

when i went to bed on the night of february 15th with a temperature of 101.5 degrees F, i thought i was a college student with the flu. i didn't get out of bed for two weeks the first time, and then i was right back in bed a few days later. i wasn't able to walk unassisted until last month, and i'm still feeling the ever-lessening (i hope) echoes of my original illness. i look back on this and it astonishes me that this was ME. i just can't wrap my head around it.

i used to be a gym addict, minimum 3 hours of cardio, weights, and stretching 6 days a week, and at least an hour of yoga on my "off day". now i'm addicted to rats. i'd like to say that i was a model student when i fell ill, hardcore into academia, but that's not true. the reality is that i was burnt-out, over-stressed, and bored. now i study what i want when i want and honestly, i'm not sure i want to go back to the monotony of structured lessons. sure, i miss it sometimes, but more because it gave me a purpose and helped me keep track of time than because it was stimulating me intellectually.

other things in my life have changed: i've lost some friends and made some new ones. to the friends that have stood by me, on-line and in rl, i give you my deepest, dolphin-safe, not stip-mined gratitudes. to my new friends: thank you so much for giving me your time and penny well-wishes and caring enough about me, a stranger, to treat me like a fellow human being. to the "friends" who have been assholes to me, Fuck You in the ass with an over-large, hopefully spiked, syphilis-infected cock. may you become suddenly allergic to all your favorite foods and be forced to work in customer services with angry rednecks for the rest of your days without benefits, but with a bad case of piles! *ptooey* (yeah, i get angry sometimes)

what have i learned from all this? well, never to eat suspect peanut butter sandwiches for starters... and i've learned that not all doctors and medical professionals are bad people with hidden agendas, although, i still believe most of them are and will continue to rant on this subject whenever given the opportunity... but it gives me hope to know a few good eggs still exist, if you can only find them (hey, an easter metaphor!) i've also learned that maybe my parents aren't quite as self-involved and horrible as i thought, "maybe" and "quite" being the operative words here. maybe they're just stressed out and broken down from living in this shitty town for so long and having to deal with so much crap. and maybe, just maybe, i should try treating them with respect and helping them when i can instead of returning their bitchiness and assholery when they send it my way. or maybe the fever damaged my brain. *shrug* i've also learned that i can't see the future. i used to think i could see a long stretch of gray, lifeless days in a straight line in front of me from here to the grave. but that can be changed in an instant for the better or worse. (ooo was that a marriage metaphor?)

what's in my future? didn't you just read the last part about unpredicatability?! ...j/k... i'm planning on just concentrating on getting well and getting on with my life as planned whether i ever figure out what's wrong with me or not. i'll learn to live with it and maybe someday i'll put the puzzle together and find a complete cure to all my medical conundrums, and maybe i won't. time marches forward like a row of little fascists, each one more hopped-up on self-importance than the last. i'm not much for ass-sitting and i've had more than enough recently. i just want to get out and do something (didn't i write an abstract blog about this awhile back?) maybe i won't ever get to do what i planned, but i have to find peace in my life and i have to find purpose or i'll fade.

sorry for being so gooey and introspective, but i was meditating and had to clear my head before i could accept any sort of positive energies (oooo now i'm being gooey, introspective, and new-agey! do i get a prize?). and i keep getting this feeling like what if i die? what if this thing i have kills me and i have so much unfinished, unsaid. those of you who know me in rl know that i'm very quiet, shy, and a little bitchy and strange. i want to come clean and tell you that its all about fear. i'm afraid of so many things and that's why i am the way i am. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i want to get to a place where i can have a, well, not normal, but acceptable life. one that i could be satisfied with if i was to suddenly drop dead. i guess i've found my new year's resolution finally.

ok.. now back to the yoga mat.