flaming strawman

(its supposed to be funny)

I posit that it is positively possible that the Puritans did not separate from the Anglican Church over a difference of opinion concerning predestination, but rather because of an obsession with fire. Only in the new world could they find the isolation and raw fuel they required to experiment with pyromania to their little hearts' content. Even the vanishing of so-called lost colonies can be accounted for by careless wildfires set by religious zealots.  What does the term "Puritan" symbolize, if not an affinity for purifying flame? A flame believed to be bright and pure enough to burn right through the corruption of the Anglican Church for those who stayed behind, or strong and holy enough to burn through the polytheistic beliefs of the savages encountered by the early colonials. I suspect that even the Puritans' own children were subjected to this holy light to burn the demons out of them. It naturally follows that these disfigured children would be embittered by their brutal upbringings and pass their disgruntled legacy on to future generations, paving the way for our selfish, xenophobic society with its greed-based economy.