rhymes with divan

i changed my profile song while i was high today. peggy lee is one of hayley's favorites. i'm actually still high... weeee I LOVE ALL OF YOUS!!!!!! god, i love these narcotics. and i love my rats. and i love my friends, and i love zebras, and i love flowers, and i love soap. and i love my t-shirt.... you get the idea. i have to take drugs to clean my rat cages now cause the pain gets to be too much for lifting the cagey part off the base part. i swear i'll get a picture of the cages someday and then you'll understand. they're about 3 feet tall each. they are the most pretty-ful rat cages evar. and, guess what? i love them!!! but those rats have to learn not to pull off my glasses or crawl in my shirt while i'm trying to wipe off their floors. silly beasties.


walter was over last night to watch another heather mattarazzo movie he found, all i wanna do. but his disc had a crack in it so we ended up watching monk instead. but i love walter! he swept my floors some even though he's pretty clumsy with a broom. he's coming back for my birthday on aug. 7. i think we're gonna go to red lobster in austin cause i love fishies!!!
 
i guess there isn't really a point to this blog, just that i'm high and i like to talk to people when i'm high but since no one was around... don't worry, i still love you!!!

consuming slime potions

new harry potter book! i like this one. because they aren't confined to hogwart's anymore, anything is possible and i'm really enjoying the change in scene and change in scene and change in scene. i'm not going to say anymore cause you might not have read it yet...

new harry potter movie! i didn't care for it. i think they emphasized events in the book that could've been omitted and omitted events that should have been included. and, of course they unnecessarily made things up, too. stupid hollywood people. they never learn! the plot was perfect already, why change it? i understand that it must have been a hard decision how to translate that particular book into a movie, just becasue its so huge. i really liked the luna character. i think they cast her well, but is it just me, or does emma watson get more and more un-hermione-ish with every film? she was great in the first one, then they smoothed her hair out and now i'm pretty sure she's blonde. Hermione Is Not BLONDE!!! nononono! bad hair people! bad! she's *supposed* to be unattractive. argh! that's like if they had tom cruise play hagrid.

i don't know what's going on with me healthwise right now. i'm back to where i was in march when i was having the scary "neurological" problems that turned out to not be neurological, but no one could tell me what *was* causing them, of course. just dizzy all the time, muscles and joints getting weak, sore, and stiff. having trouble moving around, getting twitches and back prickles, shortness of breath... de ja vu all over again. i'm going back to my worthless doctor on august 3rd and i'm going to try to give her my medical history and tell her what my symptoms have been this year *again*. last time i did that she interrupted me and told me to go see a rheumatologist. i don't know what her obsession with joint pain is. sure, i have joint pain but that's only one of my manymany fabulous prizes and i've had it since i was 10 and i've actually learned to cope with it pretty well. its the other things that are debilitating me. the joint pain is not the root problem here! i think i'm on the verge of confronting her and letting her know how disappointed i am with her. how does she ever expect to diagnose me if she won't even let me tell her what the symptoms are? and if she's not planning on diagnosing me, then what am i paying her for? whether she listens or not, i'm getting fed up enough with her attitude to find myself a new docotor, maybe a nurse practitioner cause they seem to be better listeners. and i am contacting a lawyer ASAP. this has gone on long enough! i am sick of being sick and if the only way i can force my doctors to do their jobs is to bring a lawyer with me to every appointment, then that is what i shall do. i think that would motivate them: have a lawyer sit next to me and just shout out "we're gonna SUE your ass!" every few minutes. it makes a funny mental image. try it.

encased in trolls

there is a serious chocolate shortage in my area. it is a scientific fact that women need chocolate to survive and somehow, i just can't seem to find any. i bought this Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream that's supposed to have raspberry swirls and brownie chunks, but the brownie chunks are suspiciously tiny. in case you aren't familiar with the brand, Ben & Jerry's is known for selling ice cream stuffed with truckloads of oversized hunks of chocolatey goodness. i was seriously dismayed that they would betray me in this manner and, since that let-down, i have been trying to fill the chocolate-sized crater in my life. but all the other chocolate sources have dried up. my mom usually keeps candy stashes, cookie dough, and boxed brownie mix in her house. they've all vanished. my emergency tub of mint choclate chip ice cream- freezerburned. the ancient square of fudge in the fridge- stale. good thing tomorrow is grocery day or i might try to make chocolate out of ants and egg residue.

in the book i'm reading now, one of the characters keeps going on and on about his addiction to uni; sea urchin. his enthusiasm has prompted me to come out with the following public service announcement: in some of my reading on marine biology, i have learned much about sea urchins. their bodies are constructed almost entirely out of calcium carbonate; an inedible, bony shell. they have very scant musculature because they are sessile animals. where, then, does the sea urchin "meat" come from? the gonads- sex organs, testes and ovaries. that is what you are eating when you have uni. if you still want to eat it, go ahead, i just thought you should know what you're biting into.

some of you may have noticed that i changed my Orientation from Not Sure to Lesbian. this doesn't really mean anything. as far as anyone is concerned, i don't even have a body. i am an amorphous, asexual being, so what does it matter what my orientation is? i'm still the same brak with the same ambiguous sexuality. i just thought i'd try the label on for awhile and see if it changes the contents of my inbox any. for example, will i get more female bots? less misguided male suitors? probably, nothing will change and i'll find that it doesn't really matter anyway- that i could say i'm only attracted to overweight donkeys and people would still talk to me just the same.... as a wise man once said "[in most men's eyes] as a woman, you are just a series of warm holes". for killeen, this is (sadly) too true.

paint thinner and roses

my air conditioner got fixed! that means i can play sims and use my messenger and sleep in my own bed and sing poorly and VERY LOUD! eeeeeee!

i don't feel so great today. my hair's been falling out *again*. it started growing back since i've been using the Nioxin hair restoration system, but it still hasn't gotten back as good as it was. in april a lot of my hair grew back all by itself so, if you hadn't known me before and seen my brilliant, lustrous, beautiful hair then you might have just thought that it was always kind of thin and fragile. it started falling out again in may right when i went into the hospital. seems like it goes in a cycle- fall out, grow back, fall out, grow back, etc... except that it grows back less each time and falls out a little bit more. the Nioxin still seems to be making things better because i'm not losing near as much hair as i have on previous "fall out" cycles, but it still kind of makes me nervous and i hope it switches to "grow back" mode soon. otherwise, i've been having these strange ticklish pains in my belly. like i have a sleeping foot growing in my abdominal cavity... very weird.

because doctors suck (as i think i've established in previous blogs) i've been doing research today at soulcysters.com (the PCOS forum) on alternative treatments and remedies. i'm not really a big natural medicine fan; you'd think i would be because i have such little faith in medical science and the FDA in particular, but i've never believed in taking herbal or mineral supplements and having them produce any real results. i figured i might as well just look and see if there was something not too wacky or difficult i could do that might make some of my suffering bearable. i was amused to find that most of the things on the list of natural remedies were things that i have inexplicabale cravings for already; vitamin B's, licorice, green tea, vinegar (yes, i crave vinegar, you got a problem with that?) and the nice thing about taking herbals is that they generally have no side effects and they treat the disease symptomatically instead of trying to fix the entire syndrome. meaning that these items can be used to treat any endocrine disorder with similar symptoms, not just PCOS. that's great for me because i'm not entirely certain that i have PCOS (and i won't be without extensive and comprehensive testing by a competent professional wizard dog) but i am 100% certain that i have *something* wrong with my endocrine system in general and with my ovarian hormones in paticular.


whatever it is i have appears to be polycystic ovary syndrome, but even that disorder isn't clearly defined or easily diagnosable and there are several different disorders that sometimes present themselves the same.
PCOS seems the best fit at the moment so that's what i'm looking into. if i have a previously unknown disease that mimics PCOS or if i never get properly diagnosed (which seems likely), i think i shall name this disease Trapped On a Log or TOAL. because i feel alone and isolated just as if i were trapped on a log out in the ocean (Viva Variety fans will get the reference, but there aren't many of them seeing as how the show went off the air).

choose the least sensible weed

the sickie-saga is still on hold, but while i've been under this illness-enforced house arrest i've just been fuming and stewing away until i feel as red and raw as those smileys. i'm full of hatred and ill will. i've never been very good at being angry; mostly i just cry a lot when i get mad. i'm a pretty gentle person to boot so i don't get angry very often to begin with. but i'm getting fed up and, as they say, my halo is wearing thin. i don't know how much more of this i can take- the not knowing, the endless wrong turns, the being treated like scum by predjudiced medical professionals everywhere just because i'm poor. i need a game plan and i need help. i need real people to come help me. i love you, my internet buddies, and you have done wonderful things for me, but there comes a time when it just isn't enough. i need close physical proximity to a caring human being ASAP. and, if it isn't too much to ask, i need this human being to be angry and outspoken and have some means and power.

so far, this is the best plan i can come up with: i join forces with a central or south american surgeon and, with the help of some lovable rogues, i smuggle the good doctor  and a few hundred pounds of illegal weaponry (bazookas, assault rifles, pocketknives and the like) across the border. once back in the US, we take over a hospital by brute force. then the doctor can bypass the need for a diagnosis and simply remove all my internal reproductive organs. (i know that's where the problem is coming from and if they're gone then i don't really need to know what the problem was. its not like i'm capable of bearing healthy babies anyway.) shortly after i awaken from the anesthesia, the surgeon and the rogues will make a hasty exit back to their home country. i will claim that they kidnapped me and misguidedly stole my ovaries to sell on the black market while i was vacationing and will receive emergency medical care for my wounds and missing hormones. since illegal surgery is an easily diagnosable and treatable condition, the doctors in this country should have no problem getting me back to full health quickly. after that i can get on with my life and i will have the added bonus of having interesting scars and an amusing anecdote to share with whoever will care to listen. "did i ever tell you about the time i was operated on by a competent surgeon?...."

you are a bad plant

i can eat again.

i've been visiting a forum for women with problems like i have and they have a section where people discuss different symptoms they experience and compare notes to determine if the symptom is related to the disease or is something seperate. also, women who are undiagnosed or have idiotic doctors (me) can go there to see if someone else's doctor made more sense. i posted about these digestion problems i've been having and several people wrote back about food intolerances to things like wheat and dairy causing them minor discomfort. i got a little discouraged by that because what i have goes way beyond minor, is so severe in fact that if oftens prevents me from eating at all. plus, it doesn't seem related to any one food or food group.
i finally got a reply from a woman who has symptoms identical to mine and who also has a competent doctor. her doctor diagnosed her as having a damaged pancreas and prescribed pancreatic enzymes to be taken everytime she eats. apparently hormonal imbalances can cause pancreas and galbladder problems because they raise cholesterol and make the immune system turn on the pancreas (i'm not sure the exact mechanics, just that these things are linked). after trying the prilosec that my doctor recommended and having it fail so painfully, i thought it would be worth checking the HEB to see if they sold an over-the-counter pancreatic enzyme supplement. they did. i took it. it worked.

now i have almost no digestive problems, but lots of questions. if these pancreatic enzymes are working for me, does that mean that my pancreas is failing? or is there another reason that pancreatic enzymes would be effective? and if my pancreas is failing, why? is my immune system attacking it, like the woman from the forum's immune system was attacking her's? and if it is doing that, does that mean that i really have the dreaded polycystic ovary syndrome like i suspect i do? will i ever be able to eat without pills again? will i become diabetic? will my galbladder fail, too? and so on and so forth... of course, i don't expect my doctor to do crap about it. she'll probably just be happy that i "solved" the problem myself so she doesn't have to worry about it and be confused about why i would want further testing if i'm not having problems anymore. sometimes i really hate how well i can predict medical behavior. (maybe i should become a Medical Behaviorist and follow doctors, nurses, and the like around with a clipboard and tape recorder to gather data in the name of Science).

in short: (yeah, you could've just skipped to here right away instead of reading all that junk, sorry) i'm overjoyed that i can finally eat again- i haven't eaten without complications since may- but i'm uneasy (maybe terrified) because i can only eat with the aid of a pancreatic enzyme supplement. stay tuned to find out what this indicates and if brak will knock the shit out of her doctor, get a new doctor, or refuse to ever see a doctor again... as the saga continues.... [sappy music]

preliminary defense: conjunctivitis

my dad drove me to central market in austin to get ingredients for rat food again. while we were there i picked up some cherries, cheese, and crackers. central market is the rockingest grocery store evar. they have this big refrigerated cheese U. its like a tri-sided cheese extravaganza. i know a lot of you reading this are probably snickering because in the cities you come from the economy is booming and every grocery store has at least 3 walls of cheese, if not 4 or 6, but where i come from (shittown) everyone is poor and eats Kraft. so, its a thrill for me to see so many cheeses, many of which i've only read about in books or seen on television. kind of like a celebrity cheese sighting. i got brie, smoked gouda, and tilamook cheddar. and these weird crackers which turned out to have fennel and sesame and poppy seeds on them and are the greatest brie crackers in teh werld. yes, i ate the cheese and crackers and the cherries (way too delicious to describe here) and i was soundly punished by my digestive system for it....

you hear that sound? the rumbly noise with the beeping? maybe an anguished bull lowing in the far background? that's right, its the sound of a super-deluxe truck of cow testicles being delivered right to my door courtesey of my doctor's office. she was wrong about the acid reflux. i took the prilosec for the first few days with no incidence and after maybe the third day i started having sharp razor-like tummy pains minutes after i took it. then i got really bad indigestion and a lot of nausea on top of the hideous pain in my upper abdomen that i was having before. so, she has not only misdiagnosed me, but she has actually managed to make my condition worse. but, never fear, i think i know what might be wrong with me. it is my belief that the angry spirit of a former top model has taken up residence in my digestive tract. that's right, my guts are haunted. she will not rest until i, like a lab rat, develop an aversion to eating after being exposed to negative stimuli. it is her goal to make me as gaunt as she was in her life and possibly even to have me recreate her death via anorexia. no wonder my doctor is so useless! what good could she possibly do against this diabolical plotter from the netherworld? i'll be sure to ask her for a referral to an exorcist at my next appointment on august 3rd... if its not too late.